Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I started chatting to this plump girl in a bar. "Oh God," she moaned, "You smell amazing. What is it?" "Apple Pies," I said.

   My doctor is a weight loss expert. He removes the fat from my wallet.

   Sometimes I ask myself “Why me?What have I done to deserve this?” Then, I say to myself, “Oh…right.”

   Saying “I forgive you” is the kindest way to tell someone: “I still think it's your fault.”

   Once you go big, you'll never go twig!

   Life is full of disappointments, I'll just add you to the list.

   It's kind of like comparing bermuda shorts and capri pants... both are cute, but those few extra inches make a world of difference...

   Oh, I saw your new boyfriend. So what happened to your standards?

   Wanna make her smile ? Tell her you are hungry and when she replies "What you want to eat" you say "YOU"

   Never wave to a proctologist...You may get the finger in return!

   When ever I see a guy type a "<3" I automatically think theyre gay...

   If I give a chick my heart and she CHEAT i'm going to leave our sex tape on her parents front door and label it "FAMILY REUNION"

   Me and my ex were together for like 9 years, and I will say this about her, even twords the end she still brought out the animal in me. Everytime she got into bed I would run to the door and start scratching and whining to be let out. :P

   Damn I just seen this big chick with a belly ring soon as she sat down it VANISHED

   Confidence is the foundation upon which beauty is built.

   These ‘energy saving' light-bulbs are bullsh!t. They take just as much effort to screw in as the ordinary ones.

   1000 aches = 1 megahurtz

   Ever wonder why some people wait 'til they're in their cars and stopped at traffic lights to pick their noses?

   I want to say I deserve better and mean it. I want to say I give up and believe it. I want to say I'm moving on and do it.

   Contrary to popular belief, the best relationship does not start with great sex; the best relationship always starts with a great friendship.