Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Admit it, we all feel much worse for the homeless guy's dog than we do for the homeless guy

   I challenge you to name a more frightening experience than seeing a police car make a u-turn behind you

   I really hope the guy from Microsoft can take some time out from his busy schedule to read the hundreds of error reports I send him daily

   I had to put my pet rock to sleep. It attacked all my pet scissors.

   Truth hurts. Maybe not as much as jumping on a bicycle with a seat missing, but it hurts

   There's three ways to do things, the right way, the wrong way and the way that I do it.

   You are never quite as entertaining as when you come home from your night shift, walk head first thru a spider web, and dance the "Unmanly Web Tango" for the delight of all your neighbors, your teenage son, and his friends at the bus stop.

   Being dyslexic has drawbacks. I once went to a toga party dressed as a goat

   And Jesus said to His disciples, "Follow me....on twitter."

   if cows could fly, would they all migrate to India?

   A real woman not accept expensive gifts from a man she is not attracted to and has no intention of dating. But a gold-digger would.

   Someday we will look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject.

   Are you thinking what I'm thinking that I think that you're thinking I'm thinking because if you think that I think that I ... wait what were we thinking about?

   Barbie is going to be so happy. She is getting over the fact that Ken comes in a different box.

   With gold prices so high, and considering how much Goldschläger that I drink, I'm taking my turds down to cash4gold.

   Having sex is like riding a bicycle. It's fun till your ass starts to hurt and the chain comes off.

   In only 366 days, I will be one year clean and sober.cheers,!

   My ex girlfriend felt the same way about anal, as she did about eating at McDonald's... If she was drunk enough, she would do it.

   Football season is a lot like my se(x) life....except for I actually care when football season is coming.

   I can let the fact that she owns a cat slide....as long as it's never been used as her profile pic.