Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   i hate someone who friend requests me then has the nerve to i.m. me"how do I know u" so I delete them and repy"now you dont know me"

   the guy that drives behind me normally chewing his finger was eating a pizza this morning. I was curious to find out the topping so I hit the brakes suddenly. It was pineapple and ham

   I was working out the other day and ''Rolling In The Deep'' came on. I think it was the first time Adele's ever been in a gym.

   My doctor said I need to workout with dumb-bells. Would any of you like to go jogging with me?

   I just saw a "Git-R-Done" bumper sticker on a Prius and I don't know what's real anymore.

   I don't run away from my problems so much as I let them go on ahead without me.

   People who remove the the vowels to text..why don't you do us all a favor and remove the consonants too?

   And you may find yourself in a beautiful house, with a beautiful wife. And you may ask yourself: Did I remember to clear my browser history?

   Ten folded ones in my left pants pocket, four buffalo chicken wings bones in my right pants pocket and empty mini bottles scattered around the house... apparently I had fun last night.

   You know these pagers they give you to let you know when you table's ready? They make great coasters when you steal them.

   Foot fetishes are for men who don't know what boobs are, right?

   Borrow your girlfriend's pink slippers just to go check the mail and everybody in the whole damn community will stop by to chat. True story. FML

   When I broke up with my ex girlfriend she threatened to kill herself. One year later she got married. Close enough.

   OMG THIS ACTUALLY WORKS !!! 1. Hold your breath for 10 minutes. 2. Die.

   With all the technology now you'd figure power rangers would have better graphics....

   You don`t have to drink to have fun... Just have fun drinking!

   Well I can't be an optimistic if my blood type is " B NEGATIVE "

   I accidentally took 4 Ativan pills but I'm surprisingly not all that worried.

   waiting for MTV to make a sequel to go along with the "16 and Pregnant" series, 32 and a Grandma.

   What is the difference between acne and a Catholic priest? Acne usually comes on a boys face after he turns 12.