Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   really need to stop phoning my mobile to find out where I've put it then thinking “Oooh, missed call!” when I find it. What a dumbass

   Cuddling up with a good book and a cup of tea. Ah, who the fock am I kidding....I'm watching ESPN and having a beer(s)

   The next Bond title already causing controversy. "Pissypants Fingerbang".

   I nicknamed my legs ‘options' because I like to keep them open.

   Never drive faster than your guardian angel can fly.

   If you ask for my opinion, don't get upset when I give it to you.

   This girl was staring at me while licking her lips and I thought to myself 'Wow! She's really flexible.'

   Anyone else think Ashley on "Hardcore Pawn" comes off as such a C you Next Tuesday?

   When I put sea salt on fish, I wonder if they may already know each other.

   I'm feeling a little superheroish, so tonight I'm wearing my speedo on top of my jeans when I go out.

   In life, success is determined by the amount of sh!t you can take

   If the Dove is the bird of love, then the bird of birth control is the Swallow.

   I've been dating this girl for only 2 days, and already she is complaining. She says, " When you told me you were hung like a horse, I didn't know you meant a Seahorse"

   Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

   crap! woke up with a pulse! guess I'm gonna have to work now!

   am I the only human being that hates that fake fruit on cereal?

   If I were an OBGYN my catchphrases would be "at your cervix!" and "not guilty your honer!"

   i didn't know Jonah Hill was gonna be on Dancing with the Stars ...this should be interesting.

   I get the feeling that the fat acceptance movement is more about acceptance than it is about movement.

   I'm at the Bill Murray decides to join the army point of my life.