Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 459 of 6383
A guy broke into our apartment last week.. He didn't take the TV, just the remote. Now he drives by and changes the channels
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02-22-2020 10:00
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I'll keep my money, my guns, and my freedom, and you can keep the "socialist ideas"
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02-22-2020 09:59
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It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
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02-22-2020 09:57
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My anger management class pisses me off
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02-22-2020 09:57
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Son: "Dad, how did you meet Mom?" Dad: "Well it started of by poking her on Facebook"
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02-22-2020 09:53
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If a prostitute gets pregnant from a client, can she call the National Accident Helpline?
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02-22-2020 09:53
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When I was at school I belonged to a gang called d Secret 7.we swore to secrecy. We were so good that I never found out who the other 6 were.
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02-22-2020 09:50
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It takes patience to listen.. it takes skill to pretend you're listening
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02-22-2020 09:48
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Whoever this guy with TDS is, it's hysterical that he's perpetually beside himself with no one ever agreeing with him. I guess mommy and daddy let him have his way and he just can't deal with the rejection.
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02-22-2020 09:32
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My goal for the remainder of the first half of 2020 is to get roughly 30 lbs lighter than the weight I lied about on my drivers license.
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02-22-2020 09:28 by Fazzy
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Optimism is a gross abuse of the imagination.
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02-22-2020 07:37
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I'm so old when I was a kid the only search engine we knew was called a librarian.
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02-22-2020 05:36
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I always thought laughter was the best medicine...which is probably why so many of my patients died and I bombed out of med school.
The two post down proves it. No matter how absurd it is, if Trump said it, the sheep will say it's right. At least I finally know the truth.
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02-21-2020 21:51
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Perk of being ugly: Your phone battery lasts longer.
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02-21-2020 14:52
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A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say "I don't get it?"
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02-21-2020 14:09
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As a kid, I laughed when my Dad told me to never trust a fart. Well, I'm not laughing now...
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02-21-2020 11:30
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A big difference between men and women I've found during my 60 years of living is that if a woman says 'smell this' it's likely to smell nice.
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02-21-2020 10:35
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Nothing hotter than a bow-legged woman in spandex.
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02-21-2020 06:59
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I have an appointment this morning to see a child psychologist. But really, what can a nine-year-old tell me?
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02-21-2020 06:29
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