Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A homeless guy asked me for 50 cents for a sandwich. I said, "First lemme see the sandwich."

   Understand women?....I think it would be easier to drive to Hawaii.

   Being paranoid doesn't mean you're wrong

   just saw where the movie "Ground Hog Day" is coming on tonight.. Oh.. Wait a minute.. That's President Obama's job speech.. sorry

   If I would lose everything in a hurricane, tornado, flood... I know my friends would be there for me... then I would have lost nothing... everything else is just stuff... ~R~

   You know what my problem is?! People telling me what my problem is.

   Went to the barbers today and asked to have my hair cut like Tom Cruise, the barber gave me a phone book to sit on.

   I often wonder how things worked out for that guy who grabbed the bull by the horns.

   What's a Taco - meat, cheese, with a tortilla What's a Chimi Changas - meat, cheese, with a tortilla What's a Burrito - meat, cheese, with a tortilla What's a Enchiladas - meat, cheese, with a tortilla

   To tell you the truth, whenever I see a woman who is happy, she's married and whenever I see a man who is happy, he's single!

   Tsunami? Wild Fires? Tornadoes? Hurricanes? Earthquakes......God doesnt like a red states!

   wondering what the hell is a party rocker? Any WHY are they in my house tonight??

   Was on the bus today and a group of black youths were saying F in' this, F in' dat, F in the other. Not exactly swearing, they were just talking about their exam results.

   I saw something that reminded me of you.. so I flushed the toilet and washed my hands(:

   My flood preparations go to bed in my swim trunks and tape my cellphone to the ceiling.

   Shoot what's available, as long as it's available, until something else becomes available...

   "If you carry a gun, people will call you paranoid.. That's ridiculous. If you have a gun, what in the hell do you have to be paranoid for?"

   Don't forget, incoming fire has the right of way.,,

   Polls show that if the election were held today...an overwhelming majority of Americans would be very surprised.

   I'm trying to be less self-deprecating, but I really suck at it