Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I am a deeply superficial person with a profound understanding of all the world within the range of myTV remote control.

   Today i'm 31. That's like 80 in facebook years.

   Cant wait till "National Balls Cancer Awareness Month" so I can confuse you ladies and talk about my cravings...

   found out the hard way that his company doesn't celebrate National Speedo day...

   Freud said "Love & work are the cornerstones of our humaness." I say it's love and that show "Pawn Stars".

   When a girl says, "Whatever you want, I don't care," she means, "Pick something that I want or I will cut you."

   I can honestly say LinkedIn is the sh!ttiest dating site I have ever signed up for. All anyone ever wants to talk about is work.

   Yawning is your body's way of saying 20% of battery remaining.

   Whoa. The land-telephone appliance just rang. Couldn't remember what to do so I stopped, dropped, and rolled.

   A homeless guy asked me for 50 cents for a sandwich. I said, "First lemme see the sandwich."

   Understand women?....I think it would be easier to drive to Hawaii.

   Being paranoid doesn't mean you're wrong

   just saw where the movie "Ground Hog Day" is coming on tonight.. Oh.. Wait a minute.. That's President Obama's job speech.. sorry

   If I would lose everything in a hurricane, tornado, flood... I know my friends would be there for me... then I would have lost nothing... everything else is just stuff... ~R~

   You know what my problem is?! People telling me what my problem is.

   Went to the barbers today and asked to have my hair cut like Tom Cruise, the barber gave me a phone book to sit on.

   I often wonder how things worked out for that guy who grabbed the bull by the horns.

   What's a Taco - meat, cheese, with a tortilla What's a Chimi Changas - meat, cheese, with a tortilla What's a Burrito - meat, cheese, with a tortilla What's a Enchiladas - meat, cheese, with a tortilla

   To tell you the truth, whenever I see a woman who is happy, she's married and whenever I see a man who is happy, he's single!

   Tsunami? Wild Fires? Tornadoes? Hurricanes? Earthquakes......God doesnt like a red states!