Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sometimes I wish I could appear offline in real life too.

   Yes honey you can talk to other guys; I don't mind a little competition. But don't get mad when you have some competition too.

   "My memory is so bad" "How bad is it" "How bad is what?"

   If you're reading this, congratulations you're alive. And if that's not something to smile about then I don't know what is.

   She has butter legs – they spread easily.

   Teacher: Imagine you were in a world of dinosaurs and they were about to eat you. What would you do? Smart-a$$ Student: Easy, stop imagining.

   The two best days of school are the first and the last.

   I hate when I'm singing and some idiot thinks they can join in with me. B*tch this is not High School Musical.

   Authorities would stop worrying about the number of people who die because of alcohol if they took into account the number of people who are born because of alcohol.

   "Coming to a theatre near you", Blonde Moment: OMG, how do they know where I live?

   They say so many people die because of alcohol... Perhaps they never realised how many of them are born because of it.

   My mate rang me and asked, "What're you doing at the moment?" I said, "Probably failing my driving test."

   There are two types of people in the world: those who know how to handle stress and those who need a lawyer and bail money.

   Me, wait for you? No thanks! I've stretched the game out, crossed your name out. This man has moved on to better things.

   Dear REALITY TV: You're doing it completely wrong. Sincerely, REALITY

   WESTBORO BAPTIST'S: Military Funeral Protesters who'll one day bring their glowing personalities and heartwarming words to the Nether-Regions they'll share with other sincere folks like Hitler, Dahmer, Gacy, and Jack the Ripper.

   Living life through a recession; Got cereal, no milk. Got ham, no bread. Got love but no lover. Got juice but no gin.

   They say it gets easier with time, but I guess when you let someone really special go, you'll spend the rest of your life just missing them.

   Yesterday I went to see a shrink about my Facebook addiction, everything was going smoothly and I was on the road to recovery until he asked me, What's on your mind?

   Roger Ebert called. He's giving your online performance of "The Worlds Biggest A$$hole" two enthusiastic thumbs up. Way up.