Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   So my girlfriend thinks we should move in together. I told her no. She asked why, I said "you have bad habits" she paused and asked "what habits?" to this I gave thought, and said "your cooking"

   Researchers have indicated that one anonymous sperm donor has fathered over 1200 children in the past 20 years...Unfortunately for him, he had to retire after he blew out his elbow! ツ

   At least they performed better than the Ram pickup you push to Kragen every day...lol.----Okay, not original but I HAD to do it!

   Women need to learn that, "most of my friends are guys" just means you have a list of dudes who harbour secret ambitions of banging you someday.

   People tell me that opportunity is just around the corner don't realize I'm walking in circles in this terrible job market.

   The Kardashian Sisters would make great Vampires. They all have that dark exotic look, they're talented suckers, and live the night life well. The only thing they couldn't handle about Vampirism is not being able look at themselves in a mirror any more.

   Everything you do is fine. Anything I do is a crime.

   When I realized that a bus stops at a bus station and a train stops at a train station, I finally understood why my boss calls his desk a "Work Station".

   Do me a favour; make up your mind, before you mess with mine.

   Money can't buy love; you are just paying for their attention and time.

   If you can't handle haters then you can't handle fame.

   Everyone talks about a Smartalec. Sadly the Dumbalecs remain unmentioned.

   I get bored very easily. Stepping to the plate with me is challenging, I need someone who can please me mentally and physically.

   To the people telling me about how bored they are; don't look at me, I have nothing for you.

   Some people live one life and Facebook another.

   Not everyone is meant to be taken seriously.

   Nurses know Vicks Vapo Rub helps when you hear a minor cough, Robitussin helps when you hear a hoarse cough, and Mucinex helps when you hear a congested cough. Sadly no one knows what will help you when you hear a Fuh Cough.

   A Doctor working in a Nursing Home found that 90% of his patients were really concerned about laxatives. The rest could give a sh!t.

   Rich people who own fancy Bidet/Toilet combos to cleanse themselves after bowel movements tend to look down on regular people. To them we're all just a bunch of a$$wipes.

   Product Surveys suggest 4 out of 5 women will use any brand of facial tissue to blow there noses. The other one is just picky.