Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Bank of America puts the "fun" in overfunded bailout money receivers.

   I think the Airlines should let you exit the plane on the inflatable slide on your birthday.

   "When life handed me political aides I turned them into Lemonaides"- Bill Clinton

   The only yoga stretch I have perfected is the yawn.

   Just burped a raptor call..

   ¡¡¡ ʎɐʍʎuɐ ʎɐpɥʇɹıq ʎddɐɥ llǝʍ ˙pǝxıɟ ɹǝʇndɯoɔ ʎɯ ʇǝƃ ɐʇʇoƃ ı ʍou ʇnq ʇuǝsǝɹd ɐ noʎ ʇǝƃ oʇ ʎǝuoɯ ɐɹʇxǝ ǝɯos pɐɥ ı ˙ʎppnq ʎɹɹos

   God-damnit, you are giving me attitude, stress, grief, heartache and you are not even my girlfriend.

   "This is your status update.sƃnɹp uo ǝʇɐpdn snʇɐʇs ɹnoʎ sı sıɥʇ. Any questions?"- Nancy Reagan

   Life rarely hands me anything. Am I in the wrong line?

   I thank, therefore you're welcome.

   The 3 fastest means of communication: Telephone, Television, Tell-a-woman.

   Tired apostrophes risk falling into a comma.

   Poodles aren't as absorbent as they look.

   sure I can see the glass as half full,,,of crap!

   Even my pet rock has followers on Twitter proving that Twitter is for retards.

   3 Tampons are walking down the street, Maxi, Slim, and Ultra. Which one says "Hello"? None, they're all stuck up c**ts!!!

   Never laugh at your wife's choices. You are one of them !!

   No matter what I do, I cannot get any kudos from my girlfriend. If I walked on water she'd say, "What, you can't swim?"

   The only thing I don't like about fat is that it doesn't have any sugar in it.

   I am not looking for a Princess, I am just waiting for a woman who thinks I am a prince.