Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   at his mom's house and saw a can that said "mixed nuts". It was the family urn.

   ( . ,)-(__ --> __)===] So, I just planked on fb. Game over. I win. :)

   Its funny the way guys come out of the woodwork when a girl on Facebook turns "single". Commenting and liking everything.

   OK, I go upstairs to the bathroom and walk by and my wife is watching Forensic Files....20 minutes later she comes down to the man cave and asks if we should get life insurance on each other!! Made me nervous

   Lesson of the day: only the parent of a gassy infant can truly appreciate the beauty in the sound of a fart.

   went to a shrink today. she says I have a split personality. Charged me 84.00. I paid her 42.00 and told her to get the rest from the other b*tch!

   WARNING: if you see posts offering free clip of the new Nickelback album DO NOT CLICK. It links to a free clip of the new Nickelback album.

   If you are not screwed up in the head in some type of way, the chances of us being really close friends are slim.

   A recent study found the average golfer walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found golfers drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year. That means, on average, golfers get about 41 miles to the gallon. Kind of makes you proud.

   Today I saw a baby with a bib that said "This dumbass put my cape on backwards."

   Thinking of opening a bar right next to a gym and call it "Decisions, Decisions".

   Tequila is the Clear History button of my brain

   throwing a party. If you can catch it, you can attend it!

   My parents used to be happy when I took naps… but now they think I'm lazy.

   You don't HAVE to be in love to have sex, but you do have to quit squirming away,

   Why when you checkout at a liquor store do they tell you "Have a nice night". Is that not a given?

   Life will be good when I wake at this hour, yawn, stretch, find the cold spot on my pillow and go back to sleep because I'm retired and rich from lottery winnings.

   If you pull up to a red light and the car next is on their phone step on the gas and brake, and watch how far they go

   you know you're totally screwed when the guy who stole your identity begs you to take it back."

   Here's a bit of advice for you....ADVI