Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   69 will never be a normal number.

   We all have a family member who think they're a professional photographer.

   WEED IS BAD! We should burn it.

   One of my favorite hobbies before Facebook was having a life.

   "Police! OPEN the damn Door" "Not with that attitude, Mister."

   Condom Ad: If you are not 100% satisfied with our product , Happy Fathers Day!

   I'm now willing to admit that we're stuck with polka dots. They're not f***ing going anywhere.

   It's normal to have a breakfast chat alone in your kitchen with the ghost of Nell Carter, right?

   There's a reminder on my calendar for tomorrow that inexplicably just says "LEOPARD". This has been bothering me all month.

   This is how you know you're at a TX auction: you're in a barn, there's no air-conditioning and there's free booze.

   I love food samples. I hate the whole routine that comes after: pick up the product, nod, all while having no intention of buying it.

   Remember that there's always someone cooler, smarter, stronger or sexier than you. That would be me.

   I don't mind when older folks decide to relax and slow down. I just wish they wouldn't do it in their cars.

   Weekend's coming up. What do you say we surf the real world?

   The main difference between The North and The South is, that in The North, "Blow Pop" is a noun, not a verb.

   there's a difference between smelling good and smelling like you marinated yourself in perfume.

   Sueing White Castle because You are too fat to fit in their booths is like putting the gun in jail for shooting someone. Sit in a chair instead! I <3 White Castle!

   Just found out What the Braille on the drive-thru ATM actually says, "Move to the passenger seat"

   Seriously, what are you expecting to happen when you take nude photos of yourself? Especially when you are a dumba$$ whose password is "12345"

   My wife says I waste money on gadgets we don't need. At least that's what it says in the email she sent from the toaster.