Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hate when I don't forward a chain letter and the next day I die.

   "There's plenty of fish in the sea", "Well that's cool, but I'm human."

   That moment of panic when after talking to someone on your cell phone you go on to badmouth them only to realise you forgot to hang up.

   Hey what's your sign, "Pyrex", ...........I was a test tube baby.:)

   I'd rather live my life knowing and accepting that I'm not perfect, rather than spend my whole life pretending to be perfect.

   I will never change who I am for anyone. If you cant accept me the way I am, I will find someone else who will.

   2.Two obese Pattys, Special Ross, Lester cheats picking bunions on a Sesame Street bus!

   We have all been walked on, taken for granted, forgotten, used and abused at some point in our lives. For the strong ones, life goes on, for the weak ones, life goes to waste.

   As I said before, I never repeat myself.

   The statement to th right is true..the statment to the left is false

   I've got to sit down and work out where I stand.

   Buying 12 cases of diet soda a week is defeating the purpose of diet soda

   I like Cee Lo's "Forget You," but it doesn't compare to N.W.A.'s "Forget Tha Police"

   "Women are such mysterious creatures. Beautiful unsolvable mysteries. Like them big alien crop circles........... but with nipples"

   what can I say? Life doesn't get much better than beer and pancakes after midnight :)

   i wish my shower at home had a knob for a "spot free rinse".

   FEMALE SHOP assistants. When a car mechanic comes to your till, add on a selection of random items they didn't know they needed, and charge them $50 labour costs for the transaction.

   Some chick with rainbow spiked hair caught me staring. She goes, "What up, dude? Ya never did anything wild?" I said, "I got stoned once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my kid."

   Who ever came up with the idea of oxygen bars is a genius! Getting rich by charging people to breath? Awesome!

   Today's tip: "Never go against a Sicilian when death is on the line"! That is all.