Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   tired of all the vegetarians thinking they are better than everyone: my food EATS your food!!!

   Excuse me Sir, you can barely fit in your car yet here you are trying to fit in a pair of skinny jeans?

   Don't take a good woman for granite.... trade something else for her...Granites expensive!!!!!!

   You look so beautiful I forgot how bad your personality was.

   Kissing a girl on her forehead is care, on her cheek is respect, on her lips is love, but kissing her in front of her boyfriend is GUTS

   Can somebody please tell these politicians that say "government doesn't create jobs" that they work for the government.

   Wendy's idea of a medium could save an African village.

   Stephen Hawking has a motor neurone disease that is related to amyotrophic lateral sclerosis, Thats not very smart, I wouldnt have done that!

   I quit my job at the compass factory, I just felt like I needed to go in a new direction.

   when people ask me if they are twins, Isay" no triplets", and I FREAK OUT and start looking for the missing one.

   Realistically most adults only need to know enough math to cheat the government once a year.

   As long as men have the ability to lie, I will never understand roofies.

   A dry sense of humor is better than slobbering all over the place.

   Quick question: If you're in a car with someone who talks a mile a minute, will going 60mph in reverse shut them up?

   Best breakup line - Our relationship is fat, its not working out.

   Daughter - IPod. Son - IPhone. Mom - iPad. Dad - I Pay.-_-

   At what point, did my pain become your pleasure?

   I can't afford an iPad so I got an iPatch instead.It's the pirate version ... Aarrrrrgggggghhhhhhh

   Things that must stop - Women drawing on their eyebrows and having to go to the bathroom just to change expressions.

   its hump day and I wanna be on top