Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   In grade school I dreamed of having a supersized tree house and a flyable jetpack. now that I'm grown up all I want is 2 dancing Hamsters from the Kia Soul Commercial.

   I told some guy his fly was open. He asked me if I noticed a soldier standing at attention. I said. "No, I saw a disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags."

   Girls..You know that "amazing" man in your life? News flash...he's fooling you and you're just eating it up.

   You smell like you passed through the system of a 90 year old!

   Something couples do together that causes breakups is called Home Improvement

   I keep playing my Highway to Hell cd over and over. I think I have OCDC.

   Kansas "Dust in the Wind" came on the air while I was looking for a Frozen Dinner for ONE. God wants me Dead!

   I would love to see things from your point of view, but I cant seem to get my head that far up my ass

   They call me Laxative coz I make sh*t happen.

   Faithful on your wall, but cheating in your inbox.

   I bet people in jail don't use scented body wash...Cuz the last thing you want is some dude rolling up on you talking bout, "Sniff sniff...You smell like Cherry Fruit Passion".....

   The akward moment when you say n!gga in front of a black person

   I bet I can maı̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̨̨̨̨̨̨ke you wipe your computer screen.

   How depressing is it to have a freshman start over you in college sports? I mean you worked four hard years!!!!

   "What's worse than voices in your head?" When the voices don't Speak-English.

   Just because I'm recently single doesn't mean iv become desperate. Go away freaks!!!

   My truck is probably the most expensive bird toilet I own.

   A bill collector called me and I told them I had $17,208,857.23 in Mafia Wars but I'm having a problem transferring the funds to my checking.

   made a suggestion to Google Translate for "English to Ghetto".

   X says When I was a kid I wanted a pet giraffe & a working lightsaber, but then I hit puberty and found out I had a working "lightsaber" and didn't leave my bedroom for a year.