Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   To my neighbor dude who just saw me smoking outside without pants on: I'm sorry. To his wife: You're welcome.

   If I ever get sent to prison the first thing I'm gonna do is hunt up the tattoo guy and have him put a red aids awareness ribbon on each butt cheek.

   Here's one for the women.......................... It's a 5-speed vibrator kind of day.

   Why do women always say they want a man with a stable job? What's so glamorous about cleaning up after horses?

   I put the alcohol in Alzheimer's. Not in the word... I just like to get old people drunk. Then I tell them I'm their son and borrow money.

   I saw a guy with an eye patch today, so of course I had to ask him how the fun and games were before the injury.

   To all the women I've loved before, I have found someone better.

   Nothing's more disappointing than getting a message, hoping it's from that girl you love, and it turns out to be from your wife instead.

   Starbucks now sells coffee in a 32oz size, called a "trenta"... For those of you who feel like having diarrhea ALL day

   whenever I watch an old 60's or 70's movie I wonder how cool it wouldve been to live then, then I realized 90 percent of what I do would take an hour on a rotatory phone and sending 5 letters a day...go 2000's

   46% of violence on T.V. occurs in cartoons.

   Before you repent, make sure you have sinned

   You don't have to get well soon. Take your sweet time.

   “Sorry, I didn't mean to break your liver.” – someone who is not an expert at breaking hearts.

   Yeah, you look smart but I don't trust my eyesight much.

   Music caters to every type of moment, mood and moron.

   Zombway....Eat Flesh.

   I don't have haters..I have confuse admires.

   If your problem has a solution solve it. If it doesn't, why worry about it?

   Superman's disguise sucks when I took my glasses off the police still knew it was me.