Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Study: 50% of Jumbotron Marriage Proposals.. End in Jumbotron Divorce.

   My dad pulled me aside today, teary-eyed. Told me to sit down.. I braced myself. He said "There's going to be a third Bridget Jones movie."

   "Chicken of the Sea" is both a delicious brand of tuna.. and the best way to insult a pirate.

   Many years ago, I was kicked out of the Beastie Boys for suggesting that partying was more of a privilege than a right.

   No one will be making fun of Chaz Bono, when Nancy Grace has a wardrobe malfunction on Dancing with the Stars and her Johnson pops out.

   A life vest - protects you from drowning. A bullet proof vest - protects from bullets. A sweater vest - protects you from dating.

   I absolutely hate when people pull onto a highway goin 5mph! Don't be surprised when you have a Ford symbol embedded in the back of your trunk a$$hole!

   I thought of Lady Gaga when I ordered skirt steak.

   Homework: "Do me!" Facebook: "Don`t listen to that slut."

   If you sendme a friend request on FB, and your profile pic is of a vehicle of some sort, I'm going to assume that you're a Transformer.

   Why doesn't Krackel challenge CRUNCH'S supremacy in the chocolate-and- crisped-rice space? Why does Hershey's keep it in the fun size ghetto?

   Putting a pretty shirt over your muffin top does not make you a cupcake

   says just because you put high octane in your metro geo doesn't mean you belong in the fast lane.

   just because you put hogh octane in your metro geo doesn't mean you belong in the fast lane.

   check my math here...but isn't the square root of 69, eight sumthin

   Pharmaceutical Generics: Tylenol=acetamophen, Aleve=naproxen, Advil=ibuprofen. Viagara=mycoxafloppin.

   COUGH! COUGH! Autoerotic asphyxiation is really hard to say five times fast with a belt around your neck.

   What do you say if Chris Brown is your blackjack dealer and you need another card?

   Scared of dying alone? Become a careless bus driver!

   Chinese couple's wedding night. Time for sex. The bride asks the husband what he wants. He says, "69". She says, "You want Beef with Broccoli?"