Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   there's a difference between smelling good and smelling like you marinated yourself in perfume.

   Sueing White Castle because You are too fat to fit in their booths is like putting the gun in jail for shooting someone. Sit in a chair instead! I <3 White Castle!

   Just found out What the Braille on the drive-thru ATM actually says, "Move to the passenger seat"

   Seriously, what are you expecting to happen when you take nude photos of yourself? Especially when you are a dumba$$ whose password is "12345"

   My wife says I waste money on gadgets we don't need. At least that's what it says in the email she sent from the toaster.

   attention celebrities: if you don't want naked self-pics leaked out to the public, STOP TAKING THEM!! damn b!tch!z

   I judge a hotel by the complimentary shampoo and conditioner.

   wondering if fat drug dealers sell diet coke

   "I'm fat!" "Me too!" "Thigh five"

   Procrastinate like there's several tomorrows

   Experts say FREQUENT sex can reduce the chances of men developing prostate cancer. Ladies do your part in the fight against cancer.

   Its hard to understand someone who never explains.

   If sex was part of your CV, how many references would you have?

   Putting on a pretty shirt over my muffin top so I can make it a cupcake

   My orange phone contract needs to hurry up and end soon - my backup paper cups and string are starting to wear out.

   When problems are many, friends are few and spectators are plenty.

   You know its time to move on when you start falling asleep during sex.

   I'm sorry I missed what you said, my bullsh*t filter was switched on

   Its funny how some people treat their relationship like a brand, complete with a pitch, advertising campaign and an audience.

   live life in the slow lane and get left behind...