Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Life is like a vacuum cleaner, as soon as you make a firm step, it starts to suck.

   motto of the day is: Sin, Repent, Repeat.

   Words will only hurt when you believe them.

   I take a viagr@ tablet every night before I go to sleep... stops me from rolling out of bed!

   Some people just need a hug... around their neck... with a rope.

   69 will never be a normal number.

   We all have a family member who think they're a professional photographer.

   WEED IS BAD! We should burn it.

   One of my favorite hobbies before Facebook was having a life.

   "Police! OPEN the damn Door" "Not with that attitude, Mister."

   Condom Ad: If you are not 100% satisfied with our product , Happy Fathers Day!

   I'm now willing to admit that we're stuck with polka dots. They're not f***ing going anywhere.

   It's normal to have a breakfast chat alone in your kitchen with the ghost of Nell Carter, right?

   There's a reminder on my calendar for tomorrow that inexplicably just says "LEOPARD". This has been bothering me all month.

   This is how you know you're at a TX auction: you're in a barn, there's no air-conditioning and there's free booze.

   I love food samples. I hate the whole routine that comes after: pick up the product, nod, all while having no intention of buying it.

   Remember that there's always someone cooler, smarter, stronger or sexier than you. That would be me.

   I don't mind when older folks decide to relax and slow down. I just wish they wouldn't do it in their cars.

   Weekend's coming up. What do you say we surf the real world?

   The main difference between The North and The South is, that in The North, "Blow Pop" is a noun, not a verb.