Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I have a drinking problem and don't intend on doing a thing about it!

   I wanna open a condom shop called The Hardwear Store..what ya think?

   The Greeks have stopped producing humas and taramasalata. It's a double dip recession.

   totally blames global warming on the Amish

   My buddy got a cheap hooker. He paid ten dollars and woke up the next day with crabs. He saw the hooker and complained. She said, "Whattya want for ten bucks, lobster?!"

   The wrong relationship will have you feeling more alone than when you were single..

   You can look at some people and instantly know they're only going to get two awards in life, a birth and a death certificate.

   LIKE IF you hate when you're listening to the radio, and every radio station is on commercial.

   If ‘real life' was really that great, Facebook wouldn't be so darn addictive.

   The Next Time You Think You're Perfect, Try Drinking Without Breathing

   I would totally vote for Herman Cain but only if he introduces himself at the next debate by singing... ♪♪ Here I am!! Rock you like a Herman Cain!! ♪♪

   LIFE IS LIKE A BOWL OF SOUP..... YOU ONLY GET BLOWN IF YOU'RE HOT!

   I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me today, and we all could probably use more calm in our lives. I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished, so I have managed to finish off a bottle of Merlot, a bott

   I truly feel yoga pants were invented to give women complete control over guys.

   FBI announced the Scarlett Johansson photos are illegal. Holly Sh*t!! That makes me Public Enemy Number One.........

   You can't buy happiness, but you can buy ice cream, and that's kind of the same thing.

   An old guy asks his pharmacist about V*agra. The pharmacist says it works great. The old guy asks him if he can get it over the counter. The pharmacist said yes, if he takes six.

   Fri(END), Boyfri(END), Girlfri(END), Bestfri(END). Everything has an END except...Fam(ILY)! <3 Love and take care of eachother...

   @Jesus! We come here to find funny things to show our sense of humor, not to say we wrote them ourselves. You need a personality!

   Listen seatbelt...I need you in an emergency situation, not when I reach for something in the cupholder.