Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If a friend's bathroom doesn't have a hand towel out, it's okay to dry your hands on the shower curtain. ~Man card rule 23

   Quaker Oats is retiring Aunt Jemima products after 130 years on the market due to an outcry of racism. Next up: The removal of Pillsbury mascot Poppin' Fresh, due to numerous complaints from short, chubby white guys.

   Since we are cancelling COPS, & LivePD can we also cancel The View?

   If you smoke weed before an eating contest, are you technically on performance enhancing drugs?

   Me: "I'll have a large coffee, no cream." Coffee guy: "We ain't got no cream, hows about with no milk?"

   You can save 15% or more on your HOSPITAL BILL by switching to BLM.

   Dear Maytag: Why don't your dryers come with a Fold cycle? It's 2020 for Chrissake.

   Don't believe everything you read in public toilets. Sharon is not up for a good time. What an awkward phone call that was...

   To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.

   My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter. She’s my Japaniece..

   Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.

   Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked.

   A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed

   I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.

   Finally cleans my toaster tray Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab

   All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus

   We debated for years what the participation trophy generation would turn out to be. Now we know.

   Who cares about Elmer Fudd's rifle. I'm way more concerned about them taking Marvin the Martian's Illudium Q-36 Explosive Space Modulator.🗼

   My gardening skills improved since the quarantine. I planted myself on the sofa in April and have grown bigger ever since...

   Everytime I see someone not wearing a mask in public that alternative Queen song that goes No mask on your face you big disgrace spreading your germs all over the place pops into my head.