Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Think the Covid19 is bad? Wait till you catch the "Blue Flu"

   I'm waiting for them to dump Col. Sanders. Last thing we need right is a fried chicken pitchman who looks like a southern plantation owner.

   When your greatest contribution to the world is peanut butter, it's time to face reality and take your proper place on the evolutionary chart.

   The hippopotamus can run faster than humans on land and can swim faster than humans in water. This means that the only way you can beat a hippopotamus in a triathlon is on a bicycle.

   Dear YouTube: Please just assume that I'd like to "skip ad". You don't need to ask anymore.

   Whoever named the diaper did a lot better than whoever named sweatshirts.

   Crazy episode of Judge Judy on right now. This guy was a month late on his rent and she just gave him the electric chair.

   Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.

   My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.

   Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.

   My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring. After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”

   I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.

   I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.

   If a friend's bathroom doesn't have a hand towel out, it's okay to dry your hands on the shower curtain. ~Man card rule 23

   Quaker Oats is retiring Aunt Jemima products after 130 years on the market due to an outcry of racism. Next up: The removal of Pillsbury mascot Poppin' Fresh, due to numerous complaints from short, chubby white guys.

   Since we are cancelling COPS, & LivePD can we also cancel The View?

   If you smoke weed before an eating contest, are you technically on performance enhancing drugs?

   Me: "I'll have a large coffee, no cream." Coffee guy: "We ain't got no cream, hows about with no milk?"

   You can save 15% or more on your HOSPITAL BILL by switching to BLM.

   Dear Maytag: Why don't your dryers come with a Fold cycle? It's 2020 for Chrissake.