Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Her: I love the picture of you in your bedroom. Me: It's IKEA. Her: You did a great job picking it all out! Me: No, I took that picture in IKEA.

   Only virgins, with no chance of ever getting a girl, believes in conspiracy theories.

   If your dog understands several human words and you don't understand any dog barks, then your dog may be smarter than you...

   Medicare for all is Socialism. Also don't you dare touch my Medicare!

   If you think the Dems worked with the entire world on a “new hoax” to take down Trump, then yes I think you are stupid.

   Got my test results back today... Negative - phew!! What is IQ anyway?- Bernie Sanders

   you've never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.

   [at work party] Hey Bill...weird, have you always been a scotch guy? Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.

   I do not want to get the Coronavirus that’s why I switched to Modelo

   dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking? me: I don't know why dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that's why

   I like using my speakerphone but hate how it literally spells everything I say exclamation point period

   **Blood-curdling scream** Dinner's ready.

   huge shout out to my cat who I recently learned knows how to turn on my gas range stove while we’re all asleep

   Welcome to Facebook. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.

   Hello...?!?!?! Has anyone on FB noticed my desperate pleas for help and attention?! ...Anyone at all?!

   I walked into a bar in another neighborhood the other day and I noticed that everyone there was wearing a tool belt. Then I found out they were all roofers. I’d stumbled into a shingles bar.

   The World Origami Championship has been won by a man from The Philippines, known simply as The Manilla Folder.

   Should the person who invented Swiss cheese be referred to as “Your Holiness”?

   Every year I rotate all 4 tires on this date

   Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don't want Mom to see