Funny Status Messages

   That uneasy moment when you get into a van and there isn't any candy...

   We all want the shining red apple at the top of the tree, but sometimes we got to settle for what's on the lower branch, or in some cases we take what's already lying on the ground.

   Going to a strip club when your married is like going to mercedes dealership and not being able to to take one home.

   I bought a pair of Meatloaf underwear today. On the front they say 'I would do anything for love'. On the back, 'But I wont do that!'

   My ex-wife said I treated her like a possession. As I stared at the searing hot end of my branding iron, I somehow felt incapable of denying this....

   Even straight guys have a gay side.. I have never seen a good lookin group of guys.. With one ugly guy in it..

   I was told it was Breast Awareness Month... sounds like a great thing... but was already fully aware of them...

   Who am I calling stupid?? Good question.... What's your name?!

   You're not yourself today... I noticed the improvement immediately!!

   Make somebody happy today... mind your own business!!!

   I dress to kill.... and have been told I cook the same way!

   There is always a lesson to be learned from every mistake. What is that lesson? That you are a failure.

   Remember the old days when people screwed up their relationships naturally, without the help of the Internet? Those were good times.

   I swear I just go to the strip club for the music.

   How come all the girls on Facebook take so many photos of their mirrors?

   69% of the time people find something dirty in this sentence.

   The hardest part about keeping up with the Kardashians is swallowing all that semen.

   I can always tell when I'm drunk. I tend to drop things...like my standards

   LOVE: If you need direction, search your heart. If you still can't find the answer, search through your significant other's sh!t.

   I'm fairly certain that most of us are one full gas tank away from bankruptcy.