Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You have no idea how funny I am to me.

   If I text with "Almost there!" I haven't left yet.

   I'm not the only one that drives to work hoping its a crime scene, am I?

   Hey Facebook.. Your new "From Earlier Today Section" Suuuucks! Its doesn't even go in the correct time! 10mins ago.. 4hrs ago.. 2hrs ago.. 8mins ago...Wtf?!

   Don't you hate it when you tell your kid "9 a clock time for bed" and they say " no it is only 8:58 "!!!

   What has 50 legs and smells like urine? The Conga line at the nursing home's "Annual Harvest Moon Dance".

   Her legs spread so easily...I can't believe its not butter...

   If you can rate this with your tounge you're a great kisser ;)

   Two peanuts are walking down the street, and one is assaulted...

   Like sands through the hourglass, Facebook wastes the days of our lives.

   Many a wife thinks her husband is the world's greatest lover. But she can never catch him at it.

   “Delete, Block, Ignore” Its too bad getting rid of people in life is not as easy as it is on Facebook..

   If I ever get arrested, my one phone call will be to the police station to do a bomb scare. I'm not spending the night there.

   After years of watching CSI, I still have never figured out why, when they walk into a dark house, they do their investigation with flashlights. One would think you could do a more thorough job if you flipped on the light.

   When it comes to certain people. The best part of them is the part that ran down their daddy's leg.

   Okay. You have the perfect marriage. Fine. Your grandkids are the greatest ever. Fine. You have a nice car and boat. Fine. Stick em all up your a$$. Fine.

   I guess more people saw the movie Casino than I thought. I always get strange looks when I recommend moving meetings to cornfields.

   I'm thinking of writing a book. "confessions of a sexed up badger". Fictional erotica about a badger losing his virginity to young girl.....

   It's Thursday, which is "Friday Eve" in Optimisian.

   Who's the best at Mud Wrestling... Girls from America or Girls from the UK? Only one way to find out... fiiiggghhhtt!....