Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Most things are easier said than done, I wish it was the other way around.

   McDonalds Monopoly starts today, and my annual ritual to find my specs so I can read the .05 mm alphanumeric numbers on the bottom

   The only time I've ever had a chip on my shoulder was when I tried to dump the entire bag into my mouth at once.

   Have you noticed each generation is getting ruder and shorter?

   The first step is admitting you're a problem.

   When I say “Nevermind.” I really mean you should've listened the first time

   I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers

   Oxiclean commercials just aren't the same without Billy Mays. Also late night tv needs more Vince from Shamwow. That hooker prob had it coming

   Nothing says I blow as a superhero like the Bionic Man's slow motion running. Except maybe for using David Carridine style kung fu.

   I want you......I need you......to gouge my freakin eyes out if I'm ever forced to watch Nancy Grace trying to dance sexy again.

   Ladies.... you cannot ruin friendship with sex.... thats like trying to ruin ice cream with chocolate syrup.... which btw does not ruin sex either

   Sign Board At Petrol Pump: 'Please Don't Smoke here... V knw Ur Life has No Value but Petrol is Very EXPENSIVE'

   I'm an angel. Honest. The horns are just there to keep the halo straight.

   I feel sorry for the adjective "flaccid" for it will forever be associated with that one thing...

   A mouth with a sharp tongue will cut its own throat

   Going to Mark Zuckerberg's house to move around all his furniture and see how he likes it !!!

   Hi. I just had a complete makeover. Hair, nails, makeup, boob$ etc. Bought all new clothes to fit my new size 3 figure. All this just so I can attract another a$$hole.

   is out making some changes in her life...leave a message and I'll get back yo you. if I don't return your message your one of the changes!

   There is more money being spent on breast implants and Vi*gra today than on Alzheimer's research. By 2040, there should be a lot of old people with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

   Just got out of a speeding ticket by confessing to a murder I didn't commit.