Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   like a good neighbor state farm is there...with winning lotto numbers

   E-Harmony: Dislikes: "Women who shoot their gun sideways!!"

   Tell me how a 74 year old man has an opportunity to fly a plane in the crowd at an air show in Reno Nevada when the Dr's took away my grandfather's license away just for falling asleep several times at the wheel on I-81??

   There are two things a HUMANS can never hide: The fact that he's drunk, and the fact he's in love.

   Somewhere, right now, MySpace Tom is giving himself a pep talk in a mirror.

   When I die I hope ppl remember me for all the attention I loaned to them without retribution. And not the money they loaned to me without retribution.

   I hate it when I write a sarcastic Facebook status and someone who doesn't speak sarcasm has to comment and ruin it.

   It amazes me how most politicians havent contracted some type of STD from all the people they have screwed during their tenure. Figuratively and literally.

   I wonder if one day somebody will ever come and knock on my door and tell me “Hey we have 7 mutual friends in facebook", Can I come in?

   I wish I was 50 years younger and I'll kick your Ass! > Larry Merchant to Floyd Gayweather.

   In hard times like this, we need to call upon "Duck Dodgers in the 24th and a half century!"

   It's a Paleontological fact that T-Rexes were so vicious because their arms were too short for them to masturbate.

   Boy: "Is your body from McDonalds?" Girl: "Why? cause you're lovin' it?" Boy: "No, cuz it's fat and greasy."

   Just bought me a medical alert bracelet that says... "probably just sh!tfaced"

   It isn't you, it's me. It's me wanting to be on top of people who aren't you.

   I just got caught masterbating to a National Geographic magazine...i don't know who was more embarrassed, me or my dentist

   If you ever find yourself drinking more than one shot, you are either celebrating your birthday or trying to forget you were born.

   No. Standing as close to me as you possibly can, will not make the line move faster.

   me: how much is that shirt? vendor: for you sir? me: no, no, for you, remembrance from me.

   You know your hungry when you start eating some old cough drops