SuthernFukr Funny Status Messages

   Whenever I hear a car alarm I'm like "Oh no! How can I help that person whose car is in distress? By rubbing poo on their door handle?"

   I guess Jesus was the first kid that got to celebrate Hanukkah and Christmas.

   Can anyone recommend a few thousand books on hoarding?

   Remember, it's not officially a holiday family fight until someone shouts 'we're not fighting, we're DISCUSSING!'

   "We Bought A Zoo" looks like the weakest of the Bourne movies.

   To honor John Lennon's death, Newt Gingrich suggests hiring children from poor neighborhoods to clean Yoko's bathrooms.

   Someday, anthropologists will look back at these "mirror self-portraits" and refer to this time as the Bathroom Era.

   If money's tight this holiday season, a handmade card or gift is a lovely way to say, "Here's a present you won't like."

   Studies indicate that most of the damage can be reversed in about 15 years, if you want to let your babies start smoking now.

   If an athlete's photographed with a bong it's an embarrassment; if he's photographed with a beer it's an endorsement.

   I bet if you're a stripper, you have panic dreams where you show up in a public place, fully clothed, and you just can't seem to get naked.

   My girlfriend is pissed at me because she said that I never something something and that she has something somethings too.

   I hope the handcuffs I just found in my apartment are mine.

   Morning. Cold again outside but I don't mind cos it makes it more Christmasy. And yes that is a word.

   Every minute of my life is a countdown to when I'll eat next.

   If everything goes as planned, by this time next year, I will have had a tremendous amount of work done.

   Starbucks has the best coffee of any homeless shelter I've ever been to.

   First class mail will soon take a day longer to arrive. Man, 45 cents doesn't buy anything these days!

   The Wizard of Oz needed another character. Like an alcoholic who needed a liver.

   If a man's wiener was so huge it gave him back problems, he'd never have surgery. He'd just strap that sucker on a cart & go about his day.