Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The uneasy Sunday church moment when you know that same chick in the choir got rained on with dollars last night at the strip club.

   I got life alert just in case I ever get a life.

   People Dont Leave bad Companies, But they leave Bad Bosses

   OK let's get this straight. You are human tennis elbow, a pizza burn on the roof of the world's mouth, kitty litter on the floor when you're walking barefoot in the middle of the night... Why don't you like me?

   To every girl suffering from many friend request..............Put your real picture without makeup as your profile pic.

   They should invent a game for people with bad breath.. I would call it "Taste the Colgate!"

   Love and be loved, Smile and be smiled upon .. no good has ever came from a bitter heart.

   pretty sure he knows people who stood in line for a second helping of "a special kind of stupid."

   Remember that your glass is always half full...if not...HEY BARTENDER!!!

   zombie rule #57 - you cannot armbar a zombie.

   it rude to throw an Altoid in someone's mouth while they are talking?

   I've been drunk texting and drunk calling and drunk emailing people all night and I'm not even drunk.

   Her profile said she was a stone cold freak. Turns out she was just a wrestling fan with bad capitalization skills. :(

   I just renamed my external hard drive "That Thang", so when I plug it in to the computer it asks me - Would You Like To Back "That Thang" up?

   Who told women they could be the judge on what a real man is?

   I use to LOOOOOVEEE kissing................until I got some head

   If CVS and Walgreens sold gas, they would be perfect

   Why does the weather man try and educate me on mother nature? Bro, just tell me pants or shorts tomorrow... hoodie or jacket...

   I really think I am gonna get a knock on my front door one day and the person saying "We have ten people in common on Facebook, can I come in ?"

   The most terrifying question a woman can ask a man is: Notice anything different?