Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I wonder if lining up beers in my refrigerator will ever stop being exciting

   I hate long walks on beaches, picnics suck, dinner and a movie costs too much, I expect my woman to make me a sandwich, bring me a beer and not say a word while I'm watching the game.~ Honest guys eHarmny profile

   The road less traveled does not have 3G. I'm turning around.

   If I had a nickel for every GEICO commercial I've ever seen, I could buy us all car insurance.

   After exposure to the cast of 'Jersey Shore' an Italian Jury has decided that Amanda Knox isn't so bad after all.

   I spanked myself twice before I left the house today so if you see me being naughty, chill out; I've dealt with it.

   I'm allergic to photos of your cat.

   Don't Facebook your problems, FACE THEM!

   If ants are so busy, why do they go to so many picnics?

   Received a wrong number call at 6am. I now have them on speed dial to drunk dial at 2am.

   I always hit "ignore call" with my middle finger.

   "You look happy. Let me see what I can do about that." - Life

   You know how sometimes you can just tell when someone's had enough of you for one day, so you back off and leave them alone? Me neither.

   i write like this and not "lYk DiS" because I'm an adult and I'm not retarded

   hates people that take drugs… customs for example

   My greatest fear is that I will accidentally use the status update as the search bar.

   Seduce my mind and you can have my body. Find my soul and I'm yours.

   Lazy rule #1257687895 : You so lazy you didn't complete reading the number!

   I personally think that Hank Jr is just laying the groundwork for a stint on Dancing With the Stars........

   The worst part about the Hank Williams Jr remarks and backlash is that Toby Keith will most likely write a song about it now....