Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Whistles are ok, but NO ONE will attack a woman who's got a rape tuba.

   Dear Facebook, please remove the instant "share" button. The newsfeed was no much cleaner when people were just too lazy to copy and paste.

   If I enter a town and the # on the population sign doesn't immediately increase, I have no choice but to make things right.

   Elderly drivers. Pressing the pedal on the right will make your car go a little faster. Forget all that rubbish about suffocating at speeds above 20 kmh. It was all a myth.

   I absentmindedly ate a whole jug of dried apricots last night and now I'm applying for maternity leave.

   I feel like grabbing a random kid by the shoulders and screaming Hello "I'm you from the future!"

   The only thing holding me back from actually keeping up with the Kardashians is having to swallow all that semen.

   Loving someone means never killing them even if you hear scratchy, high pitched demon voices telling you "it must be done."

   I feel like grabbing a random kid by the shoulders and screaming "I'm you from the future!"

   Judging from all the Facebooks post,I am coming out with a fragrance that smells like fresh rain!

   Just once I would like to step on the gas and run the slow all take all day to cross the street person over ...!!!!!

   If bars can say no to drunk people why won't McDonalds say no to fat people?

   LIKE if you do this :: *Wrong password.* “OMG SOMEONE HAS HACKED ME! “Oh, it's on caps lock…

   Hey Facebook Friends, what's the best gym to pretend that you go to?

   My goldfish is either planking or dead.

   lots of chicks have big fat titties. the ass is where its at. if you have to ask what "it" is, run along now.

   Why is my local porn store having a “Back to School” sale?

   Just taught my kids about taxes by eating 38% of their ice cream.

   Just learned the hard way that “Cajun-style” is not a quality you want in a proctology exam.

   Just found the first honest psychic hotline that told me I would soon regret giving them my credit card number.