Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Happy Couple = She does what she wants & He does what she wants.

   I tried to grow a weed plant before, it didn't turn out so good. Gardening wasn't my calling

   Do you believe in hate at first site? Well it exists.

   wondering why Tarzan doesnt have a beard?

   I hate it when you finally fall in love & your girlfriend's all "Who are you? Put down my dog. I'm calling the police."

   Having relationship problems? replace the 'ight' in 'fight' with 'uck'. problem solved.

   going to argue with you...but then I remembered I really didn't care

   In my day a mouse pad was a place rodents lived, a cursor was someone you avoided, and if you had a 3 1/2 inch floppy you sure never told anyone.

   Baseball World Records: Most Home Runs: Barry Bonds RBI's: Hank Aaron Career Batting Streak: Joe DiMaggio Most Innings Pitched: Cy Young Hit In The Face With The Most Balls: Justin Bieber

   I assume aliens love oral since they only abduct humans without teeth.

   I may be old but I got to see all the cool bands

   If you know anyone who's mute and has a neck brace, ask them as many yes or no questions as possible.

   I've had 4 cups of coffee in the past hour and now I look like I have Parkinson's.

   I distrust camels and other things that can go a week without a drink.

   The cover of my book will be a sledge hammer about to crush a engagment ring! That, or a close-up of me in a fetal position sucking my thumb.

   I'm so glad girls haven't figured out the power they wield just by greeting me with "Hey you."

   The first time sleeping over a girl's place is always awkward 'cause I have to explain who I am, how I got in, & why I'm crying...still single

   I wonder if Jack Lalane was buried, cremated, or "juiced"?

   Words to live by: Never leave a cake out in the rain. It took so long to bake it, and you may never have that recipe again,

   Thinking about moving to Africa so I can feed my kids for 18 cents a day.