Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   i dont have trust issues, I just know people who have lying issues

   to the guy who made the "16-bit dinosaurs" music video, What were you smoking?, How much have you been Smoking? Can I have some?

   The levity of MOM saying just wait to you have kids someday and I hope they ...................................... OMG !!!!!!!!!!

   The epitome of laziness is vacuuming your kitchen floor. Yeah, I've done it.

   They keep telling me theres plenty of fish in the sea, but I havent caught one in years, soooo I continue to sit here, holding my rod.

   Whenever I send a picture of my wiener to a woman, I hold it next to baby corn so she thinks I can afford full-size corn....)

   I love everybody. Some I love to be around. Some I love to avoid. And some I'd love to punch in the face.

   No officer, I'm not BRIBING you. I'm TIPPING you, for your excellent service to this community."

   The one time I tried yoga, I twisted my asscheeks. Several ladies remain cross-eyed to this day.

   i thoguht of a good halloween costume...rent the horse costume but only wear the back half...tell everyone "im my ex"

   Whistles are ok, but NO ONE will attack a woman who's got a rape tuba.

   Dear Facebook, please remove the instant "share" button. The newsfeed was no much cleaner when people were just too lazy to copy and paste.

   If I enter a town and the # on the population sign doesn't immediately increase, I have no choice but to make things right.

   Elderly drivers. Pressing the pedal on the right will make your car go a little faster. Forget all that rubbish about suffocating at speeds above 20 kmh. It was all a myth.

   I absentmindedly ate a whole jug of dried apricots last night and now I'm applying for maternity leave.

   I feel like grabbing a random kid by the shoulders and screaming Hello "I'm you from the future!"

   The only thing holding me back from actually keeping up with the Kardashians is having to swallow all that semen.

   Loving someone means never killing them even if you hear scratchy, high pitched demon voices telling you "it must be done."

   I feel like grabbing a random kid by the shoulders and screaming "I'm you from the future!"

   Judging from all the Facebooks post,I am coming out with a fragrance that smells like fresh rain!