Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't want a job...i just want money.

   MAN RULE 104: No man should ever whisper in another man's ear.

   Some women need to walk around with a stripper pole to match their outfit.

   You know you got it bad when you steal WiFi from a church.

   Only Fat people follow KFC on twitter.

   MAN LAW 103: No man should EVER sit on the toilet just to pee.

   They say fat people need love too. No they need a DIET!

   Dear Skoal Tobacco Co: Can you please come up with a pouch with a 50/50 mix of tobacco and coffee grounds? Thanks

   Bluntception: A blunt inside of a blunt, takes 5minutes to roll & over an hour to smoke.

   polar bears are left handed, hi-five them accordingly

   If I had a penny for every time I thought of you.... I'd have a penny.

   I will start watching Big Brother when they let Amanda Knox move in.

   I hope Amanda Knox moves into the Jersey Shore house.

   When I'm getting it on with two or three women, I have to really slow things down so I don't get too excited and accidentally wake up.

   I never use the phrase, "Your guess is as good as mine" because, well... it's not.

   Anytime a smart ass cop tells me to have a nice day after he writes me a ticket I respond with "and you try not to get shot today."

   Stop looking at me like that - it's not like you've never tried to play a song from the ATM at the bar before either.

   How is it possible that one of Michael Jackson's doctors is on trial... and it's not his plastic surgeon?

   Somewhere-In-The-Hood: There's a dog roaming free, no leash, no owner.

   My mom isn't too good with computers, so I like to leave a screenshot of the Google home page open and then watch her lose her damn mind.