Funny Status Messages
Search Messages:
if this 2nd stimulus goes through, I want this payment in pennies so I can swim in it like Scrooge McDuck 
Has somebody tried giving 2020 a Snickers?
I don't get the lowest common denominator mentality of FB groups. Someone posts something thought provoking and gets no attention. Someone else posts "What's better, a Whopper or a Big Mac?" and they ago berzerk answering.
Geez I shouldn't have clicked on that flying drone ad as now my news feed is filled with a million different kinds of drones for sale :/
I guess COVID is now spreading into the fish population. Apparently a bunch of marlins have it.
Oh baby, I can't wait to get you alone and see what you look like without a mask
My dog is LAZY. Instead of chasing cars, he just lies on the front porch and writes down the license plate numbers. 🐶
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 60 and I still don’t know.
[2025] Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
Welcome to adulthood, if you sleep on the wrong pillow you’ll feel like you got in a motorcycle accident for three days
Leaving the house, I put on a mask, sunglasses, a hat and headphones. You guys, I think I’ve turned into Mr. Potato Head.
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale. I sold their house.
2020 is every Nic Cage movie, without Nic Cage.
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right? – Me, bra shopping
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark? Me: party?
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey. Hashtag blessed.
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me. 