Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Good: You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter Bad: She keeps interrupting Worse: With corrections

   I'll be sober tomorrow but you'll be ugly for the rest of your life.

   Do you want to mourn Steve Jobs? - There's an app for that, only $4.99 for the first month.

   I was just going to nail some shelves to the wall, then I thought, screw them!

   Life is just like an ice-cream, enjoy it before it melts !!

   Steve Jobs death is being treated as suspicious... Police are looking for iWitnesses

   Steve Jobs says, "The only way Apple devices will get Flash is over my dead body."

   Three Apples changed the world. The first one tempted Eve, the second inspired Newton and the third was offered to the world half eaten by Steve Jobs. RIP

   Women are like stamps. We lick them and send them on their way.

   If you truly understand me, you'll let me be annoying

   Dear Google Maps, Please extend your street view to the rural parts of the country. I'm trying to find out which field I left my virginity in. Sincerely, anonymous

   Dear icebergs, Sorry to hear about the global warming. Enjoy the Karma... Sincerely, the Titanic

   Dear Noah, We could have sworn you said the ark wasn't leaving till 5. Sincerely, Unicorns

   refuseing to joke about Steve Jobs. One, because you're expecting it. Two, because I'm a good friend of his brother Blow. RIP Steve Jobs.

   Only Steve Jobs Could Bite An APPLE & Keep It Fresh For 3 Decades. R.I.P Steve Jobs

   selling all of his now soon to be worthless Apple Stock

   My biggest fear is that my legs will go to sleep while I'm going poop then stand up, collapse and get knocked out. Then I'd be found on the floor naked and sh!tty...

   If Godzilla had a son his name would be Jesuszilla?

   Innovation distinguishes between a leader and a follower. RIP Steve Jobs.

   Thanks Steve Jobs for giving the world an option to do more than stare out the "Window".