Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If my dad were alive today he would say, "Stop telling people I'm dead".

   Hey kids you may think you are cool playing your music loud, but face the facts. You were probably conceived during a commercial during Melrose Place

   You should always be honest and tell a woman if she's got a mediocre pu$$y. It only makes her try harder next time.

   That annoying moment when two people start a conversation on YOUR Facebook status.

   Trying to read a cartoon character's lips is the most frustrating thing ever

   A burp is just a fart that took the elevator.

   That panic moment when she asks, "is it in?" when it has been in for the past minute. FML

   It's called Facebook not Boobbook. So next time try to get your face in the picture too?

   in the stickiest situation ive been stuck in since Sticky the stick insect got stuck on a sticky bun.

   If your father never hugged you as a child then Rugby is the perfect sport for you.

   Falling in love is like falling down when you drunk or high...u dont feel the pain until the magical effect is gone..

   That great feeling when the girl comes back to you hurt and crying after choosing the "jerk" instead of you.. I'm sorry but I told you so..

   Its called the Fast Lane, NOT the Speed Limit Lane, so move over!

   I used to have a job where I crushed aluminum cans all day. worst job ever....soda pressing.

   I heard dogs can detect cancer in humans. I think they can also detect STDs because they always sniff my junk, I mean my friend's junk.

   Girl goes back to her dorm and says to her Blonde friend, I slept with a Brazilian man last night. The Blonde replies: OMG you SLUT! How many is a Brazilian???

   When I go to Mexican restaurants I order a glass of water, eat all of the chips and salsa and walk out without paying.

   Morgan Freeman's freckles and earring creeps me out.

   The worst thing that can ever happen to a hangover is a call from your mother.

   I believe an increase in the availability of jeans with elastic waist bands would boost America's morale immeasurably.