Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Steve Jobs know what I wanted before I know I wanted it!! Mark Zuckerberg thinks he knows what I want on Facebook, so he goes out and screws it up!!! Mark Zuckerberg, you are no Steve Jobs!! You are vision-less!!

   If your spouce and a lawyer were drowning,,, and you had to choose,,, would you go to lunch or to a movie?

   was playing "FARMVILLE" when immigration showed up and took all my workers ! ! ! !

   How come when your wifes pregnant, all her female friends rub her tummy & say congratulations! But nobody rubs your balls and says good job!!!!!

   cle'a]ni.ng he'r ke]yb29oa;rd===

   My mom thinks LOL stands for "lots of love" and texted me "Your Grandma just died. LOL." :)

   the cops came to my house earlier, claiming that my dog had chased someone on a bike. I said "Piss off, my dog doesn't have a bike!".

   I told my wife she looked good in that dress that she would either attract attention from a man or a hungry infant.

   has anyone found that satellite that suppose of hit the earth yet?

   Don't you hate sitting in a chair after someone gets up and it feels like their a$$ must've been under a broiler?

   I advertised on the internet for a wife, I got a 1000 emails saying "Hey you can take mine"

   Watching football shows me just how enthusiastic and pretty beer drinkers are. According to beer ads.

   if a slave was born into a plantation and knew nothing of the outside world, he would not call it hopeless because it's all he knows. perhaps this propagated system of "democracy" is all you know

   thinks it's hilarious that some people see any comparison at all between Wall St protesters freely demonstrating and slavery.

   How can you compare the protestors to slaves?!? slaves were born into a hopeless life, but with hard work and accepting the fact that its not somebody elses job to provide for you. You can become anything!

   I love Halloween. You get free candy without having to get into anyone's van.

   Alarm clocks: because every morning should start with a heart attack

   If you ever see anyone planking in public, nothing is stopping you from dropping a Macho Man "flying elbow" on them.

   If Rick Ross was Mexican they would call him Hoazay

   Wife: Do you want some dinner? Husband: Sure, what are my choices? Wife: Yes and No