Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just told my girlfriend to call me before she heads home so I will have time to get the beer, smoke and strippers out of here and she "thinks" I was joking.

   Who's the most popular guy at the nudist camp? The one carrying two cups of coffee and a dozen donuts.

   A recent independant survey claims that 1 in 10 women wear dirty panties on a regular basis. Not really sure I believe that statistic. Something smells a kinda fishy to me......

   Just told my girlfriend to call me before she heads home so I will have time to get the beer, smoke and strippers out of here and she "thins" I was joking.

   Dear haters: "Thank you for reminding me that I'm everything that you can never be"

   When I breakup with someone, I breakup with their photos, their phone numbers and their memories.

   Where did you learn how to whisper? In a damn helicopter? Geeez

   A slut does anything for any man, a freak does anything for her man, and a lady does anything for one man.

   How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

   Usually, the easiest thing to do is say you are sorry. But there are times when you realise that in the face of what you have done, saying sorry is just so ridiculous.

   Don't waste your time worrying about a piece of sh*t that's not worried about you.

   I got some mail yesterday that says, "Tiime-Sensitive Material Enclosed." So I guess I gotta keep it away from clocks...

   Somewhere in the world, some stripper is still claiming she is paying her way through college ten years and no degree later.

   No! but that's a really nice ski mask!

   If the fate of humanity ever rests on me filling out an online customer survey, we're pretty much doomed.

   I pledged allegiance "to the republic for witches stand" until third grade.

   Dear dude holding his wifes purse in the middle of the food court. Have some dignity and at least strike the Heisman pose.

   Caution: Cape does not enable user to fly.

   When I say “Nevermind.” I really mean you should've listened the first time.

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