Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   87% of the time I'm on facebook, I'm taking a poop!

   "my cramps are killing me", "I'm in total b!tch mode!", "I'm soooo bloated.", I'm seriously sick and tired of hearing about your 'drain cycles', clearly all you ladies are ovary acting. :P

   because of tanning beds 1000 years from now archeologists will think we used to fry people as punishment

   once upon at time a prince asked a princess to marry him. The princess said no and the prince lived happily ever after. The end

   always right and never wrong. The only time I thought I was wrong was when I thought I was wrong but I wasn't - I was right!!

   I wish my parents never named me. That way it would be much easier to be a CIA agent.

   Wow the local Chinese food place has online ordering now. Seems like you can order anything online with the click of a button, including a wife. The world is slowly becoming a better place for Stephen Hawking.

   It's hilarious to see really ugly people with cute little kids. You know god is just bluffing. They'll get ugly eventually.

   If you have VIP in ur license plate you are a douchebag. If you have VIP in the license plate of ur 1996 Toyota Corolla you r a delusional douchebag

   oh boy...Google is turning into a teenager, this could be bad...

   I call one of my coworkers "Adobe Updater" because she tries to be helpful, but she's really just annoying.

   The added bonus of fingering a fortune teller on the rag is, I got my palm red for free. :/

   wonders if using the FB poke app is like cyber foreplay??? Cause if it is I got a freaking orgy about to start here!!!

   I am about 9 inches long, You use me every day, I do all the work for you, and I make you happy. What am i? You pervert... I am a TV remote.

   Did you know that your nipples are lined up with your earlobes? :)

   I'll probably lose all the weight I want now that I've permanently lost my appetite after reading the headline "Nancy Grace Nipple Slip".

   That akward moment when you're texting someone and they end the conversation with a smiley face instead of "lol" and you don't know what to put back...

   "Dad, when can I use the car?" "When you cut that long hair." Why? Jesus had long hair." "Yeah, and he walked everywhere too!"

   Sh!t you not: My cashier's name was Kashir. Motherf*cker would NOT let me take a picture. He said he "don't geeve a sheet about fecebook."

   Ladies, not all men try to push your buttons. It's just that when you have hundreds of little b!tch switches, it's hard not to bump a few.