Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My generosity has such underlying desperation.

   Anything you can do, I can do bitter.

   I never say ”I have a bone to pick with you” cause that sounds stupid, plus a nose hair is more accessible.

   If anybody steals my identity, at least I'll know who to look for.

   You offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she's not your friend anymore.

   Once upon a time, many, many years ago in a galaxy far, far away, I was in the Boy Scouts. I slipped on a banana peel, hurt my ankle and a little old lady had to help me cross the street.

   I stopped believing for a little while this morning. Journey is gonna be so pissed when they find out:(

   So after leading on thousands of supporters in order to collect millions in campaign contributions, Sarah Palin has announced that she will not be running for President, but not without first spending stacks of donated cash on a cross country family vacat

   I think it's kinda creepy that Facebook tells everyone where you are on every post.

   i only watch family feud until the white family wins

   When you get on Facebook it's either you're stalking people or playing farmville!

   I'm doing my bit to help kick-start the economy... I've started printing money too.

   Your not fooling no one! is a horrible use of double negatives, and its you're. *You're not fooling anyone would be the correct way

   You Need To Realize if you take Facebook seriously. People won't take you seriously.

   That's not YOUR girl. She's OUR girl. We just keep her at your house, but she's both of ours.

   Women plank on my bed every night.

   If a girl says, "I've never done this before" add that time to 20 more times to see what you dealing with.

   Maybe if these Wall Street protesters had put as much effort into making something out of themselves as they do protesting. They would be working on Wall Street.

   Facebook stalking should be classified as a hobby

   I like you because you leave a "Thank you" note and a sandwich on the dresser after our 1 night stand.