Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There is more money being spent on breast implants and Vi*gra today than on Alzheimer's research. By 2040, there should be a lot of old people with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

   Just got out of a speeding ticket by confessing to a murder I didn't commit.

   Sarcasm is not a way of speaking, it is a way of life.

   Now that we've seen Nancy Grace's nipple on Dancing with the Stars, the FCC should pay Janet Jackson back every dime

   Have you ever felt like your meant to do something great? Like actually make a difference? Mehh... me ether

   Its amazing how you know soo much about me and I didn't even know you existed .

   Everyone has that one friend you can't bring anywhere cuz they always embarrass you, If you can't think of anyone, it's you.

   instead of supporting the stop snitching movement, some people need to support the stop doing dumb sh*t to get arrested movement.

   Not all times jokes intended to make you laugh. Some are intended to make you think.

   I'm pretty sure Whoopi Goldberg is Lil Wayne's real mother or long lost sister.

   I'm organizing a bear wash to raise money for my favorite charity "The society for prevention of cruelty to Hobbits". Come to my house and I'll wash any pet bear you have, Grizzly Bear, Polar Bear, Black Bear etc. No Chicago Bears though, far too crazy!

   My ex started complaining about a fly buzzing around the room, but a few swift, heavy handed, well placed smacks solved that problem. The fly on the other hand started to get kind of annoying.....

   the fail moment when you are checking out a girl and he turns around

   how imagine if gilbert godfrey got Fran Drescher pregnant...omg what an annoying voice that kid would have

   known to the state of California to cause cause cancer. Everything causes cancer in California.

   Wow!  That's wasn't a fart... I think I just backfired! 

   If I were a midget I would so score candy on Halloween

   Every since he started "CHECKING IN" on Facebook, Waldo hasn't been that hard to find.

   i hate being single...my hard drive gets foll of adult videos really fast

   87% of the time I'm on facebook, I'm taking a poop!