Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Cher diddn't lose a daughter, She gained a Ton.

   I am aware that I am less than some people perfer me to be but most people are unaware that I am so much more than what they see.

   I think I may be confused...but I'm not sure

   I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in?

   if you understand morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy. JJ

   movie coming out in 2012: "I still kinda remember what you did that summer"

   hey guys!!!!!! A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.

   I always mean it as a compliment but I've found that some parents get a little pissed off when you describe their children as "do-able."

   You put the ID in stupid.

   Boyfriend not calling you back? Send a text you're about to cut off all your hair. Ahhhh there he is!

   If at any point in the conversation you say the word "insane," I will instantly add "in the membrane."

   Nothing says to a robber, "I have brand new never before opened electronics piled up in my living room." Like a Christmas tree.

   Please tell me again how "Ninja training" is not an acceptable excuse to miss work for the rest of the week??? This is bullsh!t!!!

   I actually hate grocery clerks who ask "paper or plastic." It's like they know I f*ck ugly women.

   The thing that sucks about hanging out with my friends is that they see how much I stare at my phone and know how little I answer their texts.

   shouldn't *India* be the country that celebrates Columbus Day? Think of all the syphilis they avoided because that dude could not navigate his way out of a kiddie pool.

   What's the best way to casually ask your neighbor for his wifi password?

   Lets AGREE to DISAGREE.. because you're too f*ckin stupid to understand me!

   In the absence of information, people make sh!t up. Worse, if they feel threatened, they make sh!t up that amplifies their worst fears.

   Don't go knocking on the devil's door and expect him NOT to answer