Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Give a man an inch he takes a mile... give a woman an inch and she will laugh her f*cking head off!!

   Whenever a girl refers to me as "candy ass" I demand that she prove her theory by actually taste testing the product she is reviewing.

   All voicemails from my Grandmother start with "HELLO! HELLO!" and end with her trying to dial another number.

   Why do men fart more than women? Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

   All I really want is someone to go out on an expensive date, but not order more that 5 items off the dollar menu. IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK?!?!

   Anyone ever looked at some of the people you dated in High School that are now on Facebook and think, "Thank God, I really dodged a bullet on that ONE!?!"

   Aah, It's the weekend again. Time to gather the family around the computer or smart phone and read out my status updates for the week. Keep smiling my friends.

   Bacon is meat candy

   It sox to be you.

   I'm standing on the balcony throwing skittles at all the workout freaks running by. You're in shape. I have a balcony. And skittles. I win.

   My kid stole this 'Student of the Month' bumper sticker off your car and put it on mine. And he beat your kid's ass.

   Smoked a bag of weed and ate some Mexican food and now I've got a bad case of the sh!ts and giggles.

   Don't you hate when your sleeping meds wear off and the kid starts b!tching about being hungry. You're killing my buzz, kid.

   Just gave all of my McDonalds ketchup packets to the hobo on the corner. What? He might find a dumpster burger later.

   I don't call it being lazy. Using texts to get the kids to bring me up more beer is why they call it a smartphone.

   Ever worry that the sensors on those automatic toilets are actually little video cameras? Bet you are now.

   Facebook -- a place to indulge your ADD and OCD all in one place.

   Its funny that when you put a depressing status on Facebook some people actually like it?.. "Im feeling down and going to jump off a bridge" ... 10 people like this?..WTF!!!

   Here's to the moments when we throw caution out of the window, cross our fingers and hoped for the best.

   Good morning Friday...tell your pal Monday he needs to come around here tomorrow so all my friends can get back to work so they don't forget how great it is to work for a living.