Funny Status Messages and Tweets

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   retired. I was tired yesterday, and I'm tired again today!

   I bet your car doesn't make as many cool noises as mine!!

   Mathematics may not teach us how to add love or how to minus hate. But it gives us every reason to hope that "every problem has a solution.

   I told a chemistry joke a few days back. It didn't get a reaction.

   Team member of the month award ..... awesome and desperately sad at the same time

   Cookie Monster has probably kidnapped a ton of girl scouts.

   Guys: When you're watching your friend play a single player game, you secretly hope they die.

   there's nothing wrong with crying ..unless you're a guy

   Bus drivers inwardly laugh at you when they drop you off in the rain.

   Hey Europe just because you call your bathing suit a racing brief doesn't mean you don't look like a man wearing panties!

   who keeps posting all these lameo spongebob jokes please stop your wasting space for the good stuff thats put here daily

   I am not an alcoholic, I am a social drinker. I can't help it if I'm more social than the rest of you!!

   Every status has the potential to be funny with the proper amount of alcohol and or narcotic.

   I taught her how to love, she taught me how to hate.

   Remember: Eat your school, stay in drugs, and don't do vegetables, ok? :)

   there a market for a limo "General Lee" where you consume alcohol from a Mason jar and have direct access to a "Dixie" horn? One can only dream...

   Want to finish that game of Monopoly we started 10 years ago???

   It's casual Friday. Go give your boss the finger!

   Some people don't need an "Easy" button, they need a "STFU" button.