Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When something bad happens you have 3 choices, You can either let it define you, let it destroy you, or you can let it strengthen you.

   Just spent some time manscaping. Planning to donate to 'Locks for Love'.

   We should be able to Text 911, you know, just in case you're hiding from a serial killer and can't talk.

   Should I wear my top up... or down ... or up... or possibly... tucked in?

   I cut a chunk out of my thumb at work today.HALF-DAY, BOOYAH!

   " IDK Google it " When your kid asks you a question you know nothing about.

   $1200 for a redbone hound pup....fn puppy pimps!!!

   2 THINGS THAT DON'T MIX - Me and my ex

   Lets Be Honest, slow internet, is worse than bad sex.

   I don't want to hear you complain that you can't afford basic cable when you play $20 a week on the Lotto.

   This laundry detergent says I get 20oz free, but the cashier says I still have to buy the whole bottle. :(

   Just because your neighbors aren't on vacation doesn't mean you still can't go through their mail.

   Trying to explain to my blackberry with the death of Mr. Jobs that usually we take a MOMENT of silence not DAYS!!

   If it begins with Twi, Bieb, or Kardash, I'm not interested.

   I get re-pissed about an old situation whenever I have a flashback about it.

   The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

   Smile, and the world will smile with you. Laugh and they'll all think your on drugs.

   Every morning I long to hold you, I need you, I want you, I love your warmth... your smell, your taste... Ohhh coffee I love you. Good Morning!

   Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

   what's the difference between 'fat chance' and 'slim chance'?