Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   At work, first they tell me that they don't pay me to think, then they ask me what the hell was I thinking. Then I told 'em," You said you don't pay me to think!" Jeez, make up your minds!

   I can't stand people who blame everyone else for their problems....I'd be successful and happy by now if it wasn't for them!!!!

   I don't like exercise so I'm not going to walk a mile in your shoes....I'll judge you standing right here!!!!!

   I plead a 5th of Jack Daniels!

   They say that spontaneity is the spice of life but I don't see it on the shelf so I'm going with Paprika.

   Bullsh!t, cheaters ALWAYS win. That's the point of cheating. If you cheated and didn't win, no one would ever cheat.

   This whole time I thought they were using reverse psychology on me, so I say yes to drugs. (

   ☐ Single. ☐ Taken. ☑ Helping Mario get Peach back

   When anyone ask me to babysit, I ask if their kid is a "mean drunk" or a "happy drunk." Gets me out of it every time.

   "In an unhealthy relationship" should definately be a Facebook option.

   Having your hands amputated... You just can't beat it!!

   MY wife use to be afraid of the dark..then she saw me naked now she's afraid of the light..

   Never expecting the unexpected making the unexpected

   I wanna have a party with fake alcohol and see how many people act wasted.

   pretty sure the people who dislike the popular posts are gothic kids that just want to be different.

   There would be less drunk driving in the world if Jack In The Box delivered.

   When you wake up the first thing you do is roll over and check your cell phone

   On the way home today rush hr traffic I let 8 people in and got 2 waves.should have a rocket launcher ..just saying..KABOOM

   Whenever I fly and there's a little bit of turbulence, all I can think of is that I'm going to die.

   My box of animal crackers says "May contain nuts." So I'm inspecting each animal before I eat it...just in case.