Funny Status Messages

   You know in the movie 'Jaws' when everyone is pissed the beaches are closed because the shark keeps killing people, and they know it's killing people, but they go to the beach anyways? This is what we're going through now.

   If all other countries are fighting the Coronavirus, while Trump is fighting the China Virus. Is he really lying when he says he doing the best?

   If you want your food delivered faster by the delivery driver working in the middle of a pandemic with very little base pay and no benefits don't forget to tip!

   I don’t know which meme to get my news from today

   Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.

   Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.

   Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible

   1977: stayin’ alive 2020: stayin’ alive

   The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.

   My private part is like an electric eel. It's not super charged or anything. It's that women are afraid to go near it.

   Confucius say: "Young girl who go fishing with Biden come home with red snapper."

   If you won the lottery, would you mail in the ticket? Or would you go in person? Why is that? (Remember this when you go vote.)

   I was raped in jail ! My friends take monopoly way too serious.

   Hypocrisy seldom gets the contempt that it deserves

   did you know that Julie Andrews will no longer endorse cheap lipstick?.... It crumbles easily & makes her breath smell. she explained "the super color fragil lipstick crumbles easily & gives me halitosis"

   Trump is banning Tik Tok so if you still want to see 16 year old girls dance you have to get on a plane with Bill Clinton.

   I got places to go! people to see! things to do! Hopefully soon if we could all stop going places, seeing people and doing things to help beat this virus!

   Women used to throw their underwear at Elvis Presley. If he were alive today, they'd be throwing their Depends.

   I got a call from a guy who said that I should stock up on water, batteries, canned goods, candles and a generator. I said, "Done, thank you. I'm ready for Hurricane Isaias." He said, "No, this is your financial advisor."

   Dear Facebook, Please stop showing me ads for dating websites as I don't think hooking up with a complete stranger hoping to mingle in the middle of a pandemic would be a stellar idea. Thanks!