Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If I die at the begining of the month after paying my rent, they better sit me on the couch till the 30th!!

   41 shot in NYC this weekend, 77 in Chicago, 24 in Atlanta. But it's ok... no need for the media to report it. There were no police officers involved.

   I'm trying to figure out why you're mad at me for not wearing a mask. Does the one you're wearing not work?

   If you want to know how much someone's opinion is worth, try paying your bills with them.

   Privilege is being given extra consideration based on what box you check for race on your college application.

   I feel like I'm watching a tv show called "Lockdown Got Talent" because this lockdown has people thinking they're gym instructors, chefs, dancers, etc...

   Sometimes I lay on my kitchen floor and pretend to be a crumb

   My white privilege was me working 2 jobs to put myself thru the cheapest public university I could attend...

   Hope Charlie Daniels wins that fiddle of gold. 🎻 R.I.P.

   CNN just asked Joe Biden when he was going to pick a running mate, He told them he thought he already had.

   Municipal Government: Try to stay home Provincial Government: Try to stay home Federal Government: Try to stay home My boss: See you tomorrow

   My wife agreed to roleplay as Catwoman but won’t let me say pow and bam with each thrust.

   The worst part about working from home is when your coworkers clog the toilet

   Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up

   A guy just yelled at me for texting and driving. I told him to get off my hood and mind his own business.

   I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.

   Hear me out: Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper. This is where we’re at, people.

   A colon can dramatically change the meaning of a sentence. Example: I ate Julie’s sandwich. I ate Julie’s colon.

   I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.

   Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.