Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Childhood is like being drunk. Everybody remembers it except you..

   It was better back when you could look under a bottle cap and see you won instantly, rather than this entering a code online thing they have now. I want to look under the cap and see "YOU WON!" instead of ED34GH....

   says 10 years ago we had Steve Jobs, Bob Hope and Johnny Cash – Now we have no Jobs, no Hope and no Cash. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE don't let Kevin Bacon die!!!!

   I just heard on the news that terrorists have hidden bombs in hundreds of cans of alphagetti spaghetti. If they go off, they could spell disaster.

   you know your getting old when all the athletes you watch on TV are younger than you

   when alcohol does its taxes it claims me as its dependant

   I know my jeans are too tight when my boxers turn into a banana hammock

   5 reasons why I'm not a pimp. I remember birthdays, I give rides to the airport, I lend money to people, I relax on sundays and I have a horrible backhand..

   Do you think once Mark Zuckerberg gets enough friends he will stop screwing with FaceBook?

   If M&M's came in white wrappers, there would be too many punchlines to the beginning of this sentence.

   Even though they so many people die because of alcohol, you never think about how many of them are born because of it.

   It's got to be interesting for those kids from Extreme Makeover: Home Edition when they become teenagers Imagine trying to bring a girl back to your place. "Hey baby, ever done it in a bed shaped like a T-Rex's head?"

   Don't you hate when you put some much work and effort into an assignment and still fail it miserably.

   They say the recipe for Sprite is lemon and lime . I tried to make some at home and theres more to it than that .

   How come rappers always brag about being criminals and committing crimes, but then whine like little babies when people illegally download their music. Dang hypocrites.

   Why don't blind people go skydiving? Because it scares the hell out of their dog.

   You know what a lot of words mean, it's just really hard to explain it

   When you're trick-or-treating, it kind of makes you sad if the people handing out candy are younger than you.

   The cheaper the phone, the harder it is to break.

   Its a bit awkward when you don't realize how many curse words and sexual innuendos a song has in it until you're in the car listening to it with your parents.