Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Problem: people lie. Solution: trust no one.

   It's the little things that make life so beautiful, like when a baby steps on a cat and they both go apesh!t

   Men cheat the most, women cheat the best!

   Just saying I love Google. It gives me everything I need, except head.

   It makes me laugh when I see HOES arguing with other HOES about being a HOE

   Ladies: If he had to run to the car to scrape up some change to buy you a drink do yourself a favour and walk away.

   When skinny women bend over to tie their shoes, They look like flip phones.

   It smells like... FRIDAY!! (In case your sniffers busted.=)

   The real meanings of Facebook event RSVP's yes= most likely going but might bail last second, No= your lame why would I go somewhere with you, maybe= I'm not going but I'm too much of a pu$$ to say no.

   Celebrity Divorce is sad, but not as sad as non-celebrities who care about Celebrity Divorce.

   As a parent, I appreciate how Sesame Street glosses over the Count killing and feeding upon other muppets to survive.

   If you're out somewhere and can't find your wife or girlfriend and you're ready to go, start talking to the hottest chick there. She'll find you immediately

   Most of the time, I'd RATHER talk to the hand.

   On a scale of 1 to Rihanna, how big is your forehead?

   EVERYONE IS BEAUTIFUL...except everyone that is ugly

   All women want is sex. All guys want is to cuddle and have a good conversation.

   Floozies are always talking about their hot bodies and cute faces but never about their brain.

   Dear waiter: Please don't ask me how my food tastes soon after I take a huge bite. Sincerely, My mouth is full so I can't answer.

   Haters gon' hate, potatoes gon' potate.

   Reading old messages, and wondering where it went wrong.