Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My four keys to a successful marriage are: 1) A garage key. 2) A car key. 3) An office key. 4) And a key to your girlfriend's apartment.

   With the memories that most women claim to have, I'm always surprised to hear them talk about losing their virginity.

   Man Fact: Even if a Man notices that another Man's fly is down, he will Never tell him out of fear of the follow-up question, "Why are you looking there?"....

   I like Bieber's older heavier stuff.

   For a 3 hour breast exam call ...free touchy 1

   I thought I had an STD but the doctor said it was just rust.

   The harder you fall..... the higher you bounce!!

   I may be driving slowly... but I am still ahead of you!!!

   While carving a pumpkin on her front porch swing this morning, my neighbor's smiling 8-year-old daughter looked up at me and mumbled: "On the playground, this is what happens to snitches."

   Customer : Waiter, what's the meaning of this fly in my tea cup? Waiter : I wouldn't know sir; I'm a waiter, not a fortune teller.

   If a man says something in the woods and there is no woman there to hear him.... is he still wrong?!

   Never mess up an apology with an excuse!

   My favorite mythical creature is the Honest Politician!!

   just sneezed out a huge snot bubble in front of a client, so I panicked, sucked it back up my nose, and yelled "TA-DA!". Good save?

   Your Proctologist called and left a message, they found your head!

   I wonder if lining up beers in my refrigerator will ever stop being exciting

   I hate long walks on beaches, picnics suck, dinner and a movie costs too much, I expect my woman to make me a sandwich, bring me a beer and not say a word while I'm watching the game.~ Honest guys eHarmny profile

   The road less traveled does not have 3G. I'm turning around.

   If I had a nickel for every GEICO commercial I've ever seen, I could buy us all car insurance.

   After exposure to the cast of 'Jersey Shore' an Italian Jury has decided that Amanda Knox isn't so bad after all.