Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Boy: did it hurt when you fell from heaven? Girl: B!tch I crawled out of hell!!!

   Growing up, my mother always used to say in a angry voice : jorje finish up your coffee....there are people in Africa sleeping.... jj

   Whether we want to admit it or not, cheaters always win. That's the whole point of cheating. If people who cheat couldn't win, then no one would ever cheat.

   I am aware that I am less than what some people prefer me to be but most people are unaware that I am so much more than what they see.

   Constantly comparing your old relationship to your new relationship is a quick way to find yourself single again.

   Love isn't a decision, it's a feeling. It doesn't come with rules and regulations or terms and conditions. It just happens.

   Blonde sluts out here think STD stands for "Suck that d*ck"

   When white girls become 16 and pregnant, they get their own show "16 and pregnant" ...black girls go to Maury

   Some people need to realize that having fat on their bodies doesn't make them fat - it makes them alive.

   The BEST can't find you until you put the WORST behind you.

   Life is short, live it. Love is rare, grab it. Anger is bad, dump it. Fear is awful, face it. Memories are sweet, cherish them.

   The Less people you deal with, the less problems you will have.

   I'm a murderer, I killed my old self.

   I wonder who's forehead would win in a head-butting contest between Tyra Banks and Rihanna?

   instead of watches, Timex should make hearts..."takes a cheatin & keep on beatin...takes a dumpin & keep on pumpin

   Your call is very important to us. Please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo

   My wife thinks I'm at work. My boss thinks I'm home sick. These ducks think I'm awesome because I have the bread.

   When someone I like deletes me, I think "Why? What did I do?" Then I eat real food, have real sex and high five real people I actually know.

   You know those people that you have to explain every joke to? Let's kill them.

   4 hour naps suck! I don't even know whether it's daytime still or night time already...