Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's okay ladies, I understand. If I did twice the work and got half the credit I'd go crazy too.

   i was in a jehovah witness hall yesterday, they started speaking in tounge, I swear they sounded like a honda accord going in reverse.

   What's the definition of a gay midget? A LOW BLOW!

   The best thing about hanging out with kids is they can't bore you by talking about their kids.

   gonna wear a Charlie Brown costume this Halloween and give everyboby who comes to my door a ROCK.

   A smart ass is someone who can sit on an ice cream cone and tell you what flavor it is.

   Why do people add me on Facebook and never say anything? ... Just hanging around watching like a rapist in a van

   I feel like a mushroom. Kept in the dark and fed nothing but $hit.

   Kim Jong Ill: Why is everyone so f**king stupid? Why can't more people be interrigent, like me.

   For sale: Dignity, gently used. Comes with sense of shame (still in box). $1 OBO.

   I really wish Kellogg's would change the name of Froot Loops to HomO's.

   "Tue, Wed, Thu, Fri, Sat, Sun, Mon." -Jamaican naming six days of the week

   I hate it when my nap gets interrupted by a pedestrian slamming into my windshield.

   My wife refers to my underwear drawer as skid row.

   i wish my car ran off MONSTER like I do or even trident layers (imagine)..lol

   My printer must have been made in Jamaica because it always be jammin, mon.

   Before his wiener got seared off, Anakin Skywalker was an obsessive Master-Vader.

   My iPhone is currently updating so I have to tweet from my computer like some Ethiopian kid.

   MY HERO!" "My hero." --Guy who got his sandwich stolen, then saved by a stranger

   She keeps complaining that I always do her with socks on.. I suppose wearing a condom would be better...