Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When you're driving illegally, suddenly every car is an undercover cop.

   If someone tells you that they have "crazy eyes" when you ask what color they are. you better believe they are extremely cross eyed or they look like they are coming out of socket!

   It feels like it's raining way harder when you're driving than when you step out of the car?

   Appreciate what you have before it becomes what you had.

   Why the f*ck does toothpaste fall so easily off your tooth-brush, but the second it hits the sink it turns into some apoxy resin type bullsh!t and you can't wash it down the drain to save your life?! Grr.

   Its been so windy out today even the water in my toilet was choppy

   I was going to go to the Occupy Wall Street movement but I was too busy working.

   I've nicknamed my mate 'Blister' - he seems to only show up once the work has been done!

   santa was right when he looked at you and said "ho ho ho"

   never fish deeper than you can wiggle your worm

   The whole point of this country is if you want to eat garbage, balloon up to 600 pounds and die of a heart attack at 43, you can. You are free to do so. To me, that is beautiful.- Ron Swanson

   Just named my new puppy "EGYPT" cause he left a pyramid in every room.

   WILL WORK FOR LIKES!

   It's called flirting when you're in a relationship, and being friendly when you're single.

   Looks catches the eye's, personality seals the deal

   Only if people could take the energy they use to assume and use it to search for facts.

   Every woman on earth cheats on her man with suitor named Bob. (BATTERY OPERATED BOYFRIEND)

   My favorite part of a marathon is watching the reaction of runners when I hand them my plastic cup of vodka.

   Beer makes you smart. It made Bud Wiser.

   The only solution to a problem is to find the source and Kill it.