Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   ill show my neighbor where to stick his subwoofer, bass or whatever he has...ill turn the volume up all the way this time

   Today's sh!tty attitude is proudly sponsored by the alarm clock.

   seeing a women breast feeding is like seeing an eclipse, its rare, its beautiful... but what ever you do, dont stare at it...

   I didn't say it was the best sex I ever had,I said you did your best.

   What a tattoo on your face really means: "I've gone as far in society as I'd like to."

   Just curious, how many weeks can you wear the same pair of jeans before it's gross?

   At this point I view every photo of myself as a “before” photo.

   I washed my car today, just so the birds could have a clean place to $hit...

   Whenever I'm driving and I see a baby stroller in someones trash I always think. Oh boy... someone f***ed up.

   It's like, okay, we get it, I'm a terrible driver and I almost murdered you with my car. Can I go get ice cream now?

   The only time it's cool to yell “I have diarrhea!” is when you're playing Scrabble.

   It's amazing how a good a fat person can look... Once their skinny!

   If you voted for OBAMA to let people know your not a rascist, Then vote Republican to let people know your not an idiot !!!

   Amanda Knox had killer home coming in Seatle.

   God could've saved us a lot of time by just giving us one commandment. Thou shalt not enjoy thyself.

   I wish the mailman would come to my house at the same time as the garbage man so he could give my mail directly to him.

   These dating sites keep setting me up with weirdos, then I realized that they match you with people with similar interests.

   This guy I know has worse breath than my dog, and my dog can reach around and lick his own ass

   I woke up in the middle of the night & wrote 2 status ideas down on paper. I need help

   I ate so much candy corn yesterday, I just pooped a candle