Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There is probably a lot of ATM security camera footage of me rocking out.

   If I was a cab driver, I'd whisper "I could have kept you" to passengers before they got out

   If there's anything better than yelling at squirrels, I'd sure like to know what it is.

   Hey, people who jog in place when you're at a red light. Calm down. We're already judging you. Don't give us more ammo

   Take mentos and freeze into ice cubes. Put the ice cubes in your friend's diet coke. After five minutes their drink will randomly explode.

   ...got my new Metallica underwear in the mail today!.. the front reads "The Shortest Straw" and on the rear "Fade to Black"

   Im all about "I" give the rest of the vowels back.

   She got a body like baywatch but a face like crime watch.

   Listen ladies, you know men are not faithful so how bout giving us some tips on how to cheat properly because ya'll the best at it anyway.

   Moral of the story is only cheat with people who have the same relationship status as you. That's how you avoid drama because both of you gotta go home.

   I've been knocking for ten minutes. Don't people answer their bathroom windows anymore?

   Clit rings are sexy, as long as her clit isn't the same size as Shaq's big toe

   if he doesn't treat you like a princess, then he isn't your prince.

   Men who cry don't have nut sacks, they have testical purses.

   Ladies: During sex, keep your heels on because when it's over he's kicking your a$$ right out.

   Love is free. Loyalty is going to cost you.

   When I was her age I was riding a bicycle, not d!ck.

   I feel like tap dancing… on someone's face with golf shoes on

   I feel sorry for all the bald horses in the world. Black women only think of themselves.

   Texting: dragging a five minute conversation out for five hours.