Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Pumpkin-Picking Tip: Don't let those hillbilly monsters that run the place lure you into the tractor shed.

   Sometimes the beast within us is actually shown on the outside.

   If you're a hacker… here's my password ●●●●●●●●●●●●●

   She is bi-sexual. You have to buy her expensive stuff if you want to get sexual with her.

   Unprotected sex can lead to Pregnancy or Diseases. Masturbation just leads to sleep.

   80% of my conversations with others occur inside my head.

   If you don't stop wearing that much eyeliner someone is going to call animal control and report you as slutty raccoon on the loose.

   It seems like some people were born without a sense of humor

   Bald people it's not ur fault, ur simply taller then ur hair

   My wife watches cooking shows constantly, I don't get it because her cooking isn't any better. I'm sure she feels the same way about me and porn.

   Brigands demand your money or your life; women require both.

   my mom once said something that really stuck with me. She said, Nick, you're a big disappointment,' and God bless her soul, she was really onto something..

   I'm not shy. I just don't like to talk when I have nothing meaningful to say.

   "I just want to get the work over as soon as possible so I can do some fishing. Fishing relaxes me. It's like yoga except I still get to kill something." -Ron Swanson

   I disagree with all the bad language in p0rnography nowadays, shouting all that rude stuff. Come on now, there are children watching!

   Celebrity Ghost Stories are first hand experiences of celebrities who smoked crack.

   My Solution to World Hunger: Unlimited breadsticks and salad at Olive Garden. Oprah, make your move...

   You know you need sleep when you feel drunk without having actually had any alcohol.

   Ugly People: There's only so much that photoshop can do.

   Just received my first McDonald's monopoly pieces. If I can get Oriental Avenue, I'll win diabetes.