Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   child beauty pageants..these mothers are insane..thats my OPINION..!!!!

   If you truly understand me, you'll let me be annoying.

   I just drank 3 cups of coffee with 2 Ambien. Now I am tired of being awake.

   So, we are allowed to pee in our own showers, just not other people's showers. Check. My neighbor is never looking at me the same, is he?

   I already know this is going to be a disaster. I pregret this.

   I don't want a job...i just want money.

   MAN RULE 104: No man should ever whisper in another man's ear.

   Some women need to walk around with a stripper pole to match their outfit.

   You know you got it bad when you steal WiFi from a church.

   Only Fat people follow KFC on twitter.

   MAN LAW 103: No man should EVER sit on the toilet just to pee.

   They say fat people need love too. No they need a DIET!

   Dear Skoal Tobacco Co: Can you please come up with a pouch with a 50/50 mix of tobacco and coffee grounds? Thanks

   Bluntception: A blunt inside of a blunt, takes 5minutes to roll & over an hour to smoke.

   polar bears are left handed, hi-five them accordingly

   If I had a penny for every time I thought of you.... I'd have a penny.

   I will start watching Big Brother when they let Amanda Knox move in.

   I hope Amanda Knox moves into the Jersey Shore house.

   When I'm getting it on with two or three women, I have to really slow things down so I don't get too excited and accidentally wake up.

   I never use the phrase, "Your guess is as good as mine" because, well... it's not.