Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Men have the choice of loving women or understanding them. Neither will afford you any peace of mind.

   I heard you, I only said "Huh?" to buy myself time to make sure I answer your question correctly.

   If they give you a bib when eating lobster, they should definitely give you a diaper for Indian food

   Poking on Facebook is a way of saying, "I think you are cute and I like you BUT I am a coward"

   Looks like someone lost his girlfriend to a Mexican.

   Can still get a TKO on Glass Joe in the first round.

   roses are red unicorns are pencil this poem makes no sense, toaster

   under demonic possession until tomorrow when I tell her it's just not working out. .  

   Unlucky people are those who break their nose even when they fall backwards.

   When sh!t goes down and lines are drawn and sides are taken, that's when you find out who was real and who was faking.

   A woman said : "Men are like pennies: two-faced and worthless" I say : "women are like anything that can be bought by those pennies"

   A husband received a phone call from police."Sir we have found the body of a woman who we suspect is ur wife.Can you please come n identify the body?" Husband-"I'm a bit busy right now,why don't you take a pic,tag me on Facebk n if it's her,I'll click the

   At work, first they tell me that they don't pay me to think, then they ask me what the hell was I thinking. Then I told 'em," You said you don't pay me to think!" Jeez, make up your minds!

   I can't stand people who blame everyone else for their problems....I'd be successful and happy by now if it wasn't for them!!!!

   I don't like exercise so I'm not going to walk a mile in your shoes....I'll judge you standing right here!!!!!

   I plead a 5th of Jack Daniels!

   They say that spontaneity is the spice of life but I don't see it on the shelf so I'm going with Paprika.

   Bullsh!t, cheaters ALWAYS win. That's the point of cheating. If you cheated and didn't win, no one would ever cheat.

   This whole time I thought they were using reverse psychology on me, so I say yes to drugs. (

   ☐ Single. ☐ Taken. ☑ Helping Mario get Peach back