Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   never fish deeper than you can wiggle your worm

   The whole point of this country is if you want to eat garbage, balloon up to 600 pounds and die of a heart attack at 43, you can. You are free to do so. To me, that is beautiful.- Ron Swanson

   Just named my new puppy "EGYPT" cause he left a pyramid in every room.

   WILL WORK FOR LIKES!

   It's called flirting when you're in a relationship, and being friendly when you're single.

   Looks catches the eye's, personality seals the deal

   Only if people could take the energy they use to assume and use it to search for facts.

   Every woman on earth cheats on her man with suitor named Bob. (BATTERY OPERATED BOYFRIEND)

   My favorite part of a marathon is watching the reaction of runners when I hand them my plastic cup of vodka.

   Beer makes you smart. It made Bud Wiser.

   The only solution to a problem is to find the source and Kill it.

   Sex isn't everything...Unless your not having any...

   During sex my wife likes to talk to me. The other night she called me from a hotel.

   I haven't had sex for about 1 year, 4 months, 24 days and 56 minutes. It doesn't bother me though.

   My favorite sexual position is "Leaving".

   Men lie about how many women they have been with because they CAN'T remember the exact number...Women lie about how many men they have been with because they CAN remember the exact number....

   Now listen carefully 007, This may look like a normal Blackberry. But it's one that actually works.

   When my wife caught me using a pen1s enlargement cream, she laughed. I told her, "There's no need to rub it in."

   My half-brother has spent twenty-five years saying "Marijuana's not addictive!" Now he's shortened it to "Where's my phone?'

   If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.