Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   walked into a woman on the street today which is weird because va-ginas aren't usually that big...

   I'm gonna go all Kazoo solo and Haiku Freestyle on the next person that says I'm not Gangsta!!!

   Drugs may be the road to nowhere, but at least they're the scenic route.

   obama first black to go in the white house wiith out a brush

   I'm going to go protest corporations todmorrow. I'll wear my shirt from Macy's, grab my Cannon camera, hop in my Jeep® Grand Cherokee Laredo and tell my friends on facebook® (via my iPhone) to join me! (We'll be meetin up afterward at Starbucks)

   You might be a redneck if ya get divorced, re married and still have the same "in law's"

   I'm dating a woman that's half my height... I'm nuts over her

   what do you call a white man surrounded by 500 black men...."Warden"

   Look just cuz I wont go by you tampons doesn't mean I don't love you...Hell didn't I buy you like 3 rolls of Bounty...That's called a Compromise...

   thinks it's hilarious how infomercials and product commercials make simple tasks such as draining pasta or cleaning toilets seem like life-threatening obstacles.

   When someone asks "Know what I'm sayin'?" simply recall the thing they JUST SAID & you can "know what they're sayin'."

   If the cup is only half full, I suggest buying a smaller bra.

   I'm about sick of passwords! Pretty soon you'll need one to take a piss. ..oh, you have to use the bathroom- what's your password and user id

   Looks like the redneck twins have lost their jobs and girlfriends to Mexicans and black guys again. So brace yourselves for more r@cial backlash.

   Life really is all down-hill once you get to big too ride in the shopping cart anymore isnt it??

   I bet anyone can stalk you if you keep on updating ur status.. Yes I'm talking to you.. Someday, some unknown guy's gonna greet you and said something like, "hey, how's your period goin'? ... Who, me? Oh I saw you on facebook a LOT. So just by a whim I pl

   My generosity has such underlying desperation.

   Anything you can do, I can do bitter.

   I never say ”I have a bone to pick with you” cause that sounds stupid, plus a nose hair is more accessible.

   If anybody steals my identity, at least I'll know who to look for.