Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   in the stickiest situation ive been stuck in since Sticky the stick insect got stuck on a sticky bun.

   If your father never hugged you as a child then Rugby is the perfect sport for you.

   Falling in love is like falling down when you drunk or high...u dont feel the pain until the magical effect is gone..

   That great feeling when the girl comes back to you hurt and crying after choosing the "jerk" instead of you.. I'm sorry but I told you so..

   Its called the Fast Lane, NOT the Speed Limit Lane, so move over!

   I used to have a job where I crushed aluminum cans all day. worst job ever....soda pressing.

   I heard dogs can detect cancer in humans. I think they can also detect STDs because they always sniff my junk, I mean my friend's junk.

   Girl goes back to her dorm and says to her Blonde friend, I slept with a Brazilian man last night. The Blonde replies: OMG you SLUT! How many is a Brazilian???

   When I go to Mexican restaurants I order a glass of water, eat all of the chips and salsa and walk out without paying.

   Morgan Freeman's freckles and earring creeps me out.

   The worst thing that can ever happen to a hangover is a call from your mother.

   I believe an increase in the availability of jeans with elastic waist bands would boost America's morale immeasurably.

   I've stipulated to be laying on my side during my open casket funeral so it's convenient for anyone who wants to spoon me for the last time.

   They say to call your doctor if you've had an erection from these pills for more than four hours... but what if your doctor is ugly?

   If any kids come to my house this year dressed as Charlie Sheen or Zombie Amy Winehouse, they're getting punched in the face.

   Wow, as it turns out you're supposed to urinate on a jellyfish sting, NOT a jelly stain. Sending a big SORRY out to that lady at the Waffle House from this morning. I was just trying to help!

   Roses are red, violets are blue, GET IN THE VAN!!!!!

   My G.P.S...Does not know ..how to get to Sesame Street,,,??

   "Party at my crib @ 2am" -on a baby shirt

   You're as useless as pants on a hooker..