Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It would be weird if you walked into your living room and chris hansen told you to take a seat.

   It's sad that we don't truly appreciate a person until they die.

   If you had asked me a year ago, “what do think is more important, the Cheese or the Cracker?” I would have said “Cheese”, all day…But now, I've come to the realization, that the cracker plays an equally pivotal roll for this prominent combinat

   When I hear a dumb, young, donkey say "I Ain't Scared to go to Jail!" That let's me know he's never been there.

   I wish my grass was Emo, so it would cut itself.

   Wondering if the inventor of the remote was clever or just lazy.

   Cellphones have made hide and seek meaningless now.

   Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

   Remember when someone would say "Get off the phone so I can use the internet" ?

   My neighbors listen to some excellent music. Whether they like it or not.

   If you're not working on trying to be mine, then you shouldn't be worrying about who's consuming my spare time.

   Sometimes I wish to hear words from you that I used to hear when we started dating.

   Don't let anyone ever make you feel like you don't deserve what you want. Never apologize for your impeccable taste and high standards.

   If there was a zombie apocalypse, I would get eaten about halfway thru updating my facebook status about it.

   The Philadelphia man that bought a $4.00 painting but inside is a $2.5 million dollar worth Declaration of Independence document. Ok the song Philadelphia Freedom comes to mind

   When life gives you lemon, just add vodka and stop whining.

   Love is not always sunshine and flowers. Sometimes it is thunder and lightning.

   I took one of my wife's vitamins this morning if anybody wants to go shoe shopping or ask my opinion on curtains, call me

   When choosing a ring tone, always ask yourself, "How embarrassed will I be when this rings in public?"

   It wasn't funny. :( I pooped my pants. Okay, so I exaggerated. But I was startled.