Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Women are like condoms.. they spend more time in your wallet than on your d!ck.

   Smith and Johnson are the two most common last names in US. So when you go to the bar, make sure you try putting drinks on those tabs first.

   Hand sanitizer is the best way to find invisible cuts on your hands.

   I have a dilemma, I follow the golden rule don't trust a girl who says she only has a friend (Biz Markie), but what do I do when she has 671 facebook friends?

   DAUGHTER : “I am in love with the neighbor, so I am running away with him.” DAD: “How is he going to take care of you when he doesn't even have a job?” DAUGHTER: “Dad, I am only reading the letter left by Mom.”

   Some people are such treasures that you really just wanna bury them.

   I thought at this stage of my life, I would have at least one concubine.

   n't it about time Kim Kardashian made another sex tape? I'm starting to forget why she is a national treasure.

   Not sure how to feel about always being the one asked to take the family group photo.

   "I'll bring you home something from work" sounds a lot cooler if you're dating someone who works at Victoria's Secret and not Hardee's.

   I don't cut in front of people whenever I'm waiting in long line, that's rude. I just start dancing & grinding on them until they get all weirded out & leave. Works every time.

   Son told me last night if I watched one more episode of Glee he was pulling my "Man" card!! I said whats a "Man" card? He says, something that you no longer have.... Kids these days,,,,,,,

   Those crazy five seconds when you stand up too fast and you go blind or get extremely dizzy

   You're not gonna be in a relationship very long if you can't keep YOUR relationship business to yourself.

   Don't ever send me to the store for you if you expect to get your change back.

   When a woman doesn't cry over you anymore, it means another man is making her smile.

   Let's face it ladies, if men walked around with b0ners you'd stare at them too.

   Dear ladies: We are not that hard to find. We are in the friend zone, right where you left us. Sincerely, The nice guys.

   Why do ladies spend so much anger on The Other Woman? They should really be more infuriated with their cheating lover.

   Epic Fail # ur on a date and think you guys are having a moment and move in for the kiss and all you here from here mouth is...what are you doing?...lol