Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A rose by any other name would smell as sweet. Then again, we'd eat less hot dogs if they were called "pig lips & horse nipple tubes".

   During sex, anyone can say I love you, but only a few are going to stay and prove it.

   Nobody can tell you who I am or what I am all about. Nobody can describe me or explain me to you. Knowing me is something you will just have to do yourself.

   The best relationships are the ones you didn't expect, the ones you didn't wish for, the ones you didn't plan and the ones you never saw coming.

   When measuring your pen!s, you start from your prostate, right?

   Nothing like a sentence that goes nowhere.

   You are accusing me of talking about you behind your back? I am sorry; it's just that your a$$ and your face look the same to me.

   It might not be your birthday, but you need a spanking anyway...

   if I see someone say "smh" in a status, I automatically assume you mean "scratching my herpes"

   An apple a day keeps everyone away, if you can only throw it hard enough.

   Dyslexic man walks into a bra *Ba-Dum-Bum Tsss*

   My Pokemon brings all the nerds to the yard, and they're like you wanna trade cards? Damn right, I wanna trade cards. I'll beat you with my Bulbasaur.... :p lol

   Steve Jobs know what I wanted before I know I wanted it!! Mark Zuckerberg thinks he knows what I want on Facebook, so he goes out and screws it up!!! Mark Zuckerberg, you are no Steve Jobs!! You are vision-less!!

   If your spouce and a lawyer were drowning,,, and you had to choose,,, would you go to lunch or to a movie?

   was playing "FARMVILLE" when immigration showed up and took all my workers ! ! ! !

   How come when your wifes pregnant, all her female friends rub her tummy & say congratulations! But nobody rubs your balls and says good job!!!!!

   cle'a]ni.ng he'r ke]yb29oa;rd===

   My mom thinks LOL stands for "lots of love" and texted me "Your Grandma just died. LOL." :)

   the cops came to my house earlier, claiming that my dog had chased someone on a bike. I said "Piss off, my dog doesn't have a bike!".

   I told my wife she looked good in that dress that she would either attract attention from a man or a hungry infant.