Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I stopped drinking about you an hour ago.

   An old man sent his wife out whoring to make money and she only came back with $7.05. He said, "'who's the cheap SOB who gave you the nickel"? She said, "they all did"...

   Life's short... Find someone to spend it with

   3 out of 4 of my personalities say my medication is working fine.

   Roses are red violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic and so am I.

   Redneck word - Aspect: she got done skinny-dippin', passed out on that deck chair, and had her aspect by a woodpecker.

   Stop, drop, and roll isn't just an effective fire safety tip, but it is also an interesting way to get out of a boring conversation.

   Buying someone flowers is kind of a weird idea. Like: Hey, these are for you, now watch them slowly die, because I love you.

   Being a doctor is exciting than being a dentist, because if someone gets sick or is having a baby on a plane.You can help them & be the hero. But if you're a dentist, I doubt this ever happens: OH GOD THIS PERSON HAS A CAVITY! IS ANYONE HERE A DENTIST!?

   You know you watch too much porn when you go to a hospital expecting a threesome.

   I hit the 5,000 friends mark today. Which isn't bad, until you realize that I've been on facebook since 1872.

   I just conquered Duck Hunt! I'm such a gamer.

   my spider sense is tingling. Or maybe its just the tequila and beer mixing with the whiskey.

   gf,, wants more romance,,Does anybody know where I can get a noble steed and an unrealistic amount of stamina?

   Dear Millionaires, if you don't have a bookshelf that spins into another room, give me your money because you're spending it wrong.

   For Halloween this year I'm gonna tie a potato to my junk and go as a dictator!

   It's kind of funny that Shakespeare invented the word "swagger."

   It's really annoying when you want to talk to someone, but you have a feeling that they don't want to talk to you.

   It must've been tough being a magician in the 15th century. "Is this your card?" "Burn him! Burn the witch!!".

   Waking up at 7:00 always seems better than waking up at 6:59.