Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Turkey Bacon: Cause you suck at life.

   Uggs: Helping men to identify lazy women sonce 2004.

   OK........this is like the third Harold Camping rapture that I've been left behind and frankly it's starting to hurt my feelings : (

   OR you could go for the gay approach...."One man's junk is another man's treasure"

   If I were working 4 the turkey bacon industry I would put a giant pig sculpture made entirely out of turkey bacon in Times Square.

   I have Pinocchio nipples. When I tell a lie, they poke out.

   When a serial killer sees their victim is getting away, they should just shout"you're on scare tactics!" and then catch up and shank them.

   FACT: 87% of all tweets are just slightly re-worded Bon Jovi lyrics.

   Over 10,000 birds a year die from smashing into windows. They must still be using XP.

   As long as Mario is around, Luigi will forever be in the Friend Zone with Princess.

   My friend said nacho cheese dip isn't an authentic dish to bring to this Oktoberfest party, so I guess I'll draw some swastikas on the jar?

   It's not that we're anti-social, it's just that our phones got more interesting than human interaction.

   Not even 2012, Paranormal Activity 3, Shooting, Bomb Attacks, or Failing a Class is scarier then 5 missed calls from Mom.

   What would life be like without women? A pain in the a$$.

   Remember when phones were stupid and people were smart? Good times

   Iron Man is a super hero. Iron Woman is a command

   Today's agenda: get out of bed fast enough to see my body imprint in the memory foam matress before it disappears.

   I hope your affairs are in order. Harold Camping says today is rapture day. Again.

   Annie was an orphan because she was a filthy, disgusting, ginger child who wouldn't stop singing

   No one told me another rapture was scheduled for today! WTF, I'm not prepared.......