Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If at any point in the conversation you say the word "insane," I will instantly add "in the membrane."

   Nothing says to a robber, "I have brand new never before opened electronics piled up in my living room." Like a Christmas tree.

   Please tell me again how "Ninja training" is not an acceptable excuse to miss work for the rest of the week??? This is bullsh!t!!!

   I actually hate grocery clerks who ask "paper or plastic." It's like they know I f*ck ugly women.

   The thing that sucks about hanging out with my friends is that they see how much I stare at my phone and know how little I answer their texts.

   shouldn't *India* be the country that celebrates Columbus Day? Think of all the syphilis they avoided because that dude could not navigate his way out of a kiddie pool.

   What's the best way to casually ask your neighbor for his wifi password?

   Lets AGREE to DISAGREE.. because you're too f*ckin stupid to understand me!

   In the absence of information, people make sh!t up. Worse, if they feel threatened, they make sh!t up that amplifies their worst fears.

   Don't go knocking on the devil's door and expect him NOT to answer

   Calories(noun)-Tiny creatures that live in your closet and sewyour clothes a little bit tighter every night.

   I make good girls go back to the ex they still have feelings for.

   Every girl has a slutty friend.....and if you people were any kind of friend at all, you would introduce me to yours

   The severity of an itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.

   blackberry crashes around the world ministerially!!! well 4 days in heaven and already working on the competition, good job steve :)

   I feel like a Tampon today...In a good place at the wrong time.

   great.... Oprah is interviewing Rosie O'Donnell tonight on OWN. tune in if you ever wondered what a Double Stuffed Oreo sounds like

   I have decided that I am going to win the Nobel Peace Prize, and I don't care who I have to kill to do it.

   celebrating columbus day with a home invasion.

   I hate when I walk through a metal detector and my abs of steel set them off.