Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Q:What is the difference between a wife and a girlfriend? A:About 45 pounds!!

   Dear Facebook... How can I be near the town I'm already in?!.....Near Stfu!

   People in relationships are usually okay with cold weather because they can cuddle but lonely people are like fml it's cold.

   A creepy bug crawled into my taco and now I know why women hate spiders.

   I wonder if Foosball tables look like shish kabob buffets to a cannibal.

   Just before I die I'm going to get my hand stamped in case I want to come back in again.

   People in relationships are usually can cuddle but lonely people are like fml it's cold.

   Men in my family don't talk about our underwear. We're the thong silent type.

   Why fat people like chips chocolate and fast food ..it makes them HAPPY..!!!

   The only way to kill a mime is to shoot it with blanks.

   Some relationships in life are like fat people, they don't work out.

   Relationships aren't tests, so why cheat?

   Why can't we really post whats on our mind , because we'll be thought of as weird weak - I allmost didn't post this

   I hate to say it, but...Times change, seasons change, jobs change, lives change, and even weather changes. But people never do.

   It seems that nowadays people just add random symbols or letters after a colon and call it an emoticon. Like really? What the hell does :H mean.

   Alot of commercials nowadays are just knock offs of the Oldspice commercials with a very dramatic main character and a suprising plot twist at the end.

   Due to the retarded faces some girls like to make and the fact that it's become cool to be a jerk, nowadays, instead of duck, duck, goose, all you see in pictures is duck, duck, douche.

   Roses are brown, violets are brown, grass is brown...who took a sh!t in my yard!?

   If your woman is feeling down, be there to feel her up!

   Though they are called supermodels, they do not have any super powers. Unless class 2 drug dependency and being very thin is a power