Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Friday Night. I've missed you. You've been coy and bashful all week long. So you abide by the "lady in the street but a freak in the bed" motto. Oh... I see we see eye to eye. I'll be waiting for you when the sun does down.

   It's better to have a life of 'Oh Wells than a life of 'What if...'

   The McRib is like the undead of the sandwich world, it keeps coming back. #ZombieFood!

   "Ho ho ho" would be more appropriate as a Halloween greeting.

   It never fails, when a girl steals my Facebook status she gets a ton more "likes" than I did. :(

   I wonder if Winnie the Poo ever said, Tigger Please!

   Look dude I have no problem with the tattoo that you have. It's the instant attitude change that came along with it. Trust me you are still a pu$$y. Having a half moon inked into your shoulder did not change that.

   Why does everybody try to hide from each other in the Dollar Store? I saw your ass over at the bargain bin fool.

   You;re so annoying you should have a SLAP named after you.

   Follow your brain. Your heart's a f*cking idiot.

   Sorry for your problems and I'll be there to listen to you, because you're a good person and by good person I mean you put out when you're vulnerable.

   You should always f*ck like all your exes are watching.

   I think as many hours as I put in I should be able to put fantasy football team owner on my resume

   status by rating needs a month or week time limit selection

   Who is this Harold Camping retard? Why do people pay him and his mental illness so much attention? Why isn't he locked up in a loony house with other loonies?

   Part of me thinks I get angry easily, the other part wants to beat the crap out of it for thinking that.

   survived Harold Camping predictions...

   I just saw a guy getting head in a phone booth. I couldn't believe it what I was seeing...I haven't seen a phone booth in years!

   Anyone else get that odd sense of victory when your fart causes someone to open the car window in the middle of a thunderstorm??

   There are only 4 words that end of argument. Face down, Ass up.