Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   5 reasons why I'm not a pimp. I remember birthdays, I give rides to the airport, I lend money to people, I relax on sundays and I have a horrible backhand..

   Do you think once Mark Zuckerberg gets enough friends he will stop screwing with FaceBook?

   If M&M's came in white wrappers, there would be too many punchlines to the beginning of this sentence.

   Even though they so many people die because of alcohol, you never think about how many of them are born because of it.

   It's got to be interesting for those kids from Extreme Makeover: Home Edition when they become teenagers Imagine trying to bring a girl back to your place. "Hey baby, ever done it in a bed shaped like a T-Rex's head?"

   Don't you hate when you put some much work and effort into an assignment and still fail it miserably.

   They say the recipe for Sprite is lemon and lime . I tried to make some at home and theres more to it than that .

   How come rappers always brag about being criminals and committing crimes, but then whine like little babies when people illegally download their music. Dang hypocrites.

   Why don't blind people go skydiving? Because it scares the hell out of their dog.

   You know what a lot of words mean, it's just really hard to explain it

   When you're trick-or-treating, it kind of makes you sad if the people handing out candy are younger than you.

   The cheaper the phone, the harder it is to break.

   Its a bit awkward when you don't realize how many curse words and sexual innuendos a song has in it until you're in the car listening to it with your parents.

   Praying Steve can make this 20 hour wait to download the new iOS 5 hurry up from his iCloud

   Some girls need to realize that having fat on their bodies doesn't make them fat - it makes them alive.

   It's better to have loved and lost than to stay home every night and download increasingly shameful pornography,

   You feel safer when you're wearing clothes, even though they don't actually offer very much protection.

   Overhearing someone ask their friend a question sucks when you know the answer, but can't exhibit your amazing knowledge without seeming like a weirdo for listening to their conversation.

   Protester Fail: Every Guy Fawkes mask you buy to show your support sends a royallty to Time Warner, one of the largest corporations in America.

   Have you ever noticed that Velma(from Scooby-Doo) only says who the bad guy is after she pulls off their mask. And then conveniently knew it was him or her all along.